We’ll Sell You One When Guinea Pigs Fly

CONTENT WARNING: Animal Abuse

(It’s late August and temperatures have been in the high 90s since 7 am. It’s now nearly 3 pm when I get a call.)

Me: “Hello. Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Do you have any orange and white guinea pigs?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, all our guinea pigs are black but they’re very sweet and personable.”

Customer: “No, it really has to be an orange and white one.”

Me: “May I ask why?”

Customer: “Well, I’m a teacher at [Local Middle School] and I set the class guinea pig outside to clean my classroom this morning. I just checked on him and he’s dead.”

Me: “Sir, you’re telling me you left that guinea pig outside in near 100-degree weather without checking on him, leading him to die of heat stroke, and you want me to sell you another one?”

Customer: “…I’m not getting a guinea pig, am I?”