We Wish Jew A Merry Christmas

(It’s Christmas Eve and the store is open until midnight but closed the next day. I’m bagging groceries for a middle-aged woman.)

Customer: “You poor boy. I feel so bad for you that you have to work on Christmas!”

Me: “Oh, it’s okay. I’m more of a Hanukkah kind of guy myself.”

Customer: *gasps* “You mean you’re a Jew?! Oh, dear. Well, then I hope you have fun burning in Hell.”

(She then spits at me, landing a shot on my tie. Everyone is frozen in horror and completely speechless.)

Cashier: “What the h*** is wrong with you, lady?!”

(The manager hears the cashier yell and walks over.)

Manager: “What’s going on here??”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’d let this moneychanger cheapen our Lord and Savior by flaunting himself in public and earning money on the day we mourn Christ’s crucifixion by HIS godforsaken people!”

Manager: “Ma’am, this young man volunteered to work a double shift tonight so that our other employees could be at home with their families for Christmas. So did many of our Jewish employees. Furthermore, nothing can excuse your behavior so I have to ask that you leave the store immediately.”

Customer: “I most certainly WILL NOT. I have a right to be here as an American and a Christian.”

Manager: “Neither of those things have anything to do with you being ejected from a private establishment. You have only yourself and your rude and disgusting behavior to blame for that. Come along now.”

Customer: *shrugs off his hand and steps back* “That’s just despicable! They’re abominations and should be wiped off the earth!”

Customer #2: *from behind her* “Well that’s the most UN-Christian thing I’ve ever heard.”

Customer: “Who asked your opinion?!”

(She turns around to see the speaker is the pastor from the local church, who has been standing in line at the next register. She gasps and puts her hand over her mouth.)

Pastor: “No one, [Customer], but you’ve asked for my advice on so many other occasions. So I’d advise you now to apologize to this young man who is toiling especially hard today for the benefit of your fellow congregants, and who has shown remarkable restraint and tolerance, and then I advise you to leave as they’ve asked. I also expect to see you at services tomorrow in the very front row, because you obviously haven’t heard the Lord’s teachings very well.”

Me: “Here are your groceries, ma’am, and also: I’m pretty sure you mourn the crucifixion on EASTER and celebrate the NATIVITY on Christmas. Have a nice day.”