We Tire Of Online Names

(The place where I work has a business model based on the following facts. The first is that many companies will not ship to Canada, or charge a massive fee to do so. The second is that we are a hop and a skip from the US/Canadian border. Normally, when our customers come in for their packages, it’s just a matter of verifying their ID and making sure that they are properly registered in our system. There’s a fair bit of paperwork involved, but everything tends to run smoothly. On this particular day, which is busy due to the holiday season, a customer comes in demanding a set of tires. My boss looks up his account, and I overhear some of what goes on.)

Boss: “I don’t see any tires under your name.”

Customer: “It came under [Wildly Different Name].”

Boss: “If it came to [Different Name], then they’re [Different Name]’s tires. He has to come to pick them up.”

Customer: “No, they’re my tires! [Different Name] is my eBay account; everyone knows that!”

Boss: “We don’t know that! We don’t know who the heck [Different Name] is! Do you think we hire what’s-her-name, the psychic lady?”

Customer: “[Different Name] is my eBay account! They’re my tires!”

(After some back-and-forth, my boss has had enough.)

Boss: “[Coworker], could you take care of Mr. [Different Name]?”

(My coworker came and got the guy’s information, and they eventually settled the matter and headed outside to give the guy his tires. When my coworker came back, we learned that the guy announced that not only would he be leaving and taking sixty friends with him — we doubt he has six friends, let alone sixty — but he also claimed he’d get Toronto’s senator to shut us down. Buddy, we’re on the USA side of the border; I doubt you could do much if you WERE a Toronto senator, and given how popular we are with the rest of our customers, trying to shut us down would be political suicide.)