We Should Totally Just Throw Grandma In The Pool (Not Really)
I’m back with more drama from the grandmother who brought you such classics as this story, this story, and this story.
Before she moved in with us, Grandma had a fall. She wasn’t hurt, but her doctor down in Georgia told her to stop taking showers because her risk of falling again was high and there wasn’t a way to make her bathroom disability accessible. She has been taking sponge baths ever since.
I don’t know what brought this on, but her doctor here in Virginia suggested that she start taking showers again. I don’t know if he found something on her, or if she didn’t put on enough baby powder to hide the fact that she smells like urine all the time, but since doctors never lie, she took his suggestion and turned it into, “I have to start taking showers again.”
When she first moved in, Mom asked her about her shower situation because my parents have a one-inch step into their shower, and Mom, not realizing that words like “please” and “thank you” are not in my grandmother’s vocabulary, asked if Grandma needed to use it. Grandma remembered this offer five years later and came to my parents with this:
Grandma: “You need to let me use your shower in your bathroom. [Doctor] said I need to start showering again.”
My mother was absolutely livid that Grandma had demanded access to my parents’ bedroom and bathroom, especially since Grandma is a hundred percent the kind of person who would snoop around and use my mom’s lotions and stuff. Grandma is also the type of person who would start lying in my parents’ bed and watch their TV since it’s bigger than hers.
My dad countered with two offers. 1) Grandma could join the Silver Sneakers program at the gym by our house. The gym had handicap-accessible showers, plus it had the added benefit of getting her out of the house, getting her to socialize with people closer to her age, and getting her moving around, which would honestly help with a lot of her other health issues. 2) The upstairs hall bathroom had a tub. They make chairs that are designed to help people with limited mobility get in and out of tubs. My parents were willing to put one in the tub for her.
Neither of these options were acceptable. The next day, Grandma came to Dad with this:
Grandma: “You need to call and set up a home-help nurse to come over and help me shower. I don’t know the number.”
Dad: “In what shower?”
Grandma: “Yours!”
Dad went to [Hardware Store] and bought a lock for his bedroom door. Grandma still doesn’t understand why he did that, but she reluctantly agreed to the transfer chair.
Related:
We Should Totally Just Put Grandma In A Home
We Should Totally Just Lock Grandma In The Bathroom (Not Really)
We Should Totally Just Drown Our Salads
We Should Totally Just Drug Grandma! (Not Really), Part 2
We Should Totally Just Drug Grandma! (Not Really)
