We Found The Cuckoo Whose Nest Got Flown Over
In 2008, I have a nasty case of Stage 4 endometriosis with a large tumor and all the accompanying nastiness that endo brings to the table. I have scheduled my surgery for two weeks from the day in question, and I have all the appointments done but one more counselling appointment. I am ready.
My body decides to throw one last endo flare party, and none of my pain control medications are helping. This one’s BAD. Between the pain and the area south of my belly button acting like the elevator scene from “The Shining”, I end up in the emergency department.
I am attended by two nurses, we’ll call them Nurse Sunshine and Nurse Ratched.
Sunshine hooks me up to half the hospital and starts my IV, noting that I’m pretty dehydrated, with fluids and some nausea control. I show her the giant bottle of Industrial Strength pain meds I carry with me every day. She gets wide-eyed, says she’ll speak to my OBGYN personally, and then scuttles off.
One hour later, enter Ratched. It’s the middle of the night, and my doctor delivers babies, too. I give him grace for all that because he’s awesome.
Ratched: *Scoffing* “Why are you here?”
I explain. I make sure to explain that my regular pain control is not working. She walks to the in-room sink, starts washing her hands, and drops this gem.
Ratched: “I guess we could get you a [same pain med I take but half the strength], but just one! You really need to stop coming in here for pain meds.”
Me: “But that’s what I have—”
Ratched: “You junkies are all the same, taking up our time and resources for your little habit! I wish you’d all just disappear!”
Friends, I am in pain, bleeding out through my lady-business, exhausted, and finally hungry because of the nausea control meds. I have had enough of her. I pick up the GIANT bottle of prescription pain meds and throw it across the room to land in the sink she has just backed away from.
I stare at her. She starts hollering.
Ratched: “What the h***, you ungrateful junkie?!”
Me: “READ THE BOTTLE! THEN GO FETCH THE CHARGE NURSE! NOW!”
Nurse Sunshine comes back in.
Sunshine: “No need. I already did; I heard the whole thing.”
My doctor is right behind her.
Doctor: “So did I. [My Name], we do not throw our meds.” *Hands the bottle back to me* “We need that until our surgery, darlin’!” *Points at Ratched* “Out.”
While I was recovering from my surgery, Sunshine came up and told me Ratched was doing unit secretary work while she attended mandatory patient relations and anger management courses.
