Way Past Time Magazine

(It’s 11:20 pm and we close at 11 pm. Cashiers are counting out their tills, stockers are unloading boxes in the aisles, and the cleaning crew is scrubbing the place down. I’m counting lotto tickets behind the customer service desk when one of the cleaning crew comes over.)

Janitor: “Hey, is [Manager] around?”

Me: “No, he’s on the phone with corporate for a while. What’s up?”

Janitor: “You’d better come with me, then.”

(I follow him to the back of the store where the water fountains and bathrooms are, and I hear someone hollering from the men’s room.)

Me: *knocking on the door* “Um, hello, is there someone in there?”

Customer: “Yes! I’ve been sitting here calling for help for almost a half hour!”

Me: “Oh, my god, sir. I’m so sorry. The store closed and no one was around this area. Do you need medical attention?”

Customer: “No, of course not.”

Me: “Oh, uh, did you run out of toilet paper?”

Customer: “No, there’s plenty here.”

Me: “Okay… Then, what did you need help with?”

Customer: “I finished reading this Time magazine I picked up from the book section. Can you bring me the latest issue of Car & Driver?”

(We had to go get the manager, who threatened to charge him with trespassing if he didn’t finish his “business” and get out of the store. The man flushed, didn’t wash his hands, and stormed out the front door.)

Me: “He left the Time magazine in there. You don’t want me to put it back, do you?”

Manager: “H***, no. BURN IT.”