Washing Your Mouth Out With Soap

, , , , | Right | February 1, 2019

(For a few years, I’ve spent the holiday season working at a well-known bath and body store that is known for having products displayed without packaging. The idea is that everything is meant to look like a food market. In particular, our bars of soap are cut fresh to the customer’s desired weight and then wrapped up for them. A man walks in with two teenage daughters, goes straight for a wheel of soap, and takes a huge bite out of it.)

Male Customer: “What the f***? This tastes terrible!”

Me: “Sir, that’s soap. It’s not meant to be eaten.”

Male Customer: “Well, why would you have it displayed like this?! I thought it was cheese!”

Me: “So, if it were cheese in a store, you’d just walk up and take a bite out of it before having it cut and paid for?”

(I technically should be reprimanded, but the only people on the floor are me and a floor leader who is a take-no-s*** kind of woman. She makes him pay for the entire wheel of soap — about $90 — and leave. Two days later, a different customer comes in holding an empty container that our fresh face masks are sold in.)

Female Customer: “Hi, I need to return this. I, uh… had a bad reaction to it.”

Coworker: “I’d be happy to return that for you. We can give you a refund or exchange it for a product that is better suited for your skin. Could you tell me what happened?”

Female Customer: *very shyly* “It, uh… made me poop my pants.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, these are face masks. They are not edible.”

Female Customer: “Well, how was I supposed to know?! It says, ‘cupcake,’ on the label!”

(Believe it or not, I have dozens of variations on these two stories. Something about the holidays, mixed with the fact that our store is the size of a tuna can, really brings out the weirdos.)

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