Wanted, Dead Or Alive, For The Crime Of Scamming

, , | Legal | June 16, 2020

Recently, scammers have been calling my grandmother’s landline using local numbers. She has caller ID, so if the scammers call using, say, John Doe’s number, it shows up as such. I live nearby and visit nearly every day to make sure she’s okay, so I’ve intercepted quite a few of these calls. 

The phone rings, showing John Doe as the caller.

Me: “Hey, Gram, are you expecting a call from John Doe?”

Grandma: “No, he’s in [Local Hospital].”

I answer the phone.

Me: “John! How’s that anal leakage?”

Caller: “Um…” *Click*

A moment later, the same number comes up, this time listed as “unknown caller.” I can’t believe they’re actually this stupid, so I answer. The caller has an accent you rarely hear in the middle of Bumble, Nowhere.

Me: “County Mortuary.”

Caller: “Uh, I— Sorry, what?”

Me: “County Mortuary.”

Caller: “I need to speak with [Badly Butchered Version Of My Grandmother’s Name].”

Me: “I’m sorry, who’s calling?”

Caller: “Um. I need to speak with—”

Me: “Do you need a body picked up?”

Caller: *Confused* “No. I—”

Me: “Are you calling for the status of an autopsy?”

Caller: *Frustrated* “No, I—”

Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”

Caller: “Where is [Badly Butchered Name]?”

Me: “I don’t see her name on any of the drawers. Was she supposed to be picked up? Which facility are you calling from?”

Caller: *Angry* “She lives there!”

Me: “If anybody lives here, I have a problem.”

Caller: *As he hangs up* “What the f***…”

My grandmother gave me a stern look for messing with the caller but couldn’t hold it for long.

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