Leaving A Paper-Fail

(I always got good grades in school. I also had a reputation as something of a goody two-shoes, but that didn’t stop one of the stoners from trying to buy a paper from me when he was desperate to pass English.)

Student: “You have to write my final for me, or I’ll flunk, and have to go to summer school!”

Me: “I don’t have to do anything; write your own paper.”

Student: “I’ll pay you!”

Me: “Nope, not happening.”

Student: *covering the book I am reading with his hands* “Please?”

Me: “No; go bother somebody else.”

Student: *grabbing my book, and holding it behind his back* “You can’t do your work until you agree to sell me a paper. If I have to flunk, you have to flunk, too!”

Me: “Fine, give me my book, and I’ll type up a paper tonight.”

Student: “Okay, here’s some money. But remember, don’t write an ‘A’ paper; the teacher has to believe it’s something I could write myself.”

(The next day, I hand him a paper, with an opening paragraph, a page and a half of nursery rhymes, and a closing paragraph. Fast forward to the end of the week:)

Student: “I flunked my paper! Why did you write such a bad paper?”

Me: “You said to write something that the teacher would believe you had done. I figured that was the kind of effort you usually put into your homework.”

Student: “Now I have to go to summer school!”

(Oddly enough, nobody ever tried to buy homework from me again.)