(I’m at a theme park waiting in line for a popular ride. Its time to board but this teen guy and girl in sweats are busy playing tongue hockey and groping to board. So I try to push ahead and the guy lifts his head and growls “hey we’re first!!” at me. So I pause and he makes out with his gf again! Finally the attendant tells him to get on and he finally goes. This is a ride where 2 people per car, one sitting in the other’s lap. He gets in and theres a huge erection, and everyone giggles. Even his girlfriend. Then she gets on his lap really hard, and he lets out a yell of pain. Everyone winces in sympathy but me. What I’d do If i could to rude people!)

(Our phone rings, and I answer):

Patron: “Yeah, y’all got any books at your library?”

(I’ve never had to bite my tongue on a sarcastic response harder in my entire life).

My husband enjoys the YouTube channel LegalEagle / Real Lawyer Reacts, where a real lawyer rates fictional lawyers and court cases. He’s very handsome, and in one episode he states his full name.

Husband: “That’s his name? It sounds like something out of a romance novel! He LOOKS like something out of a romance novel! Did Danielle Steel write this guy?”

Some preface for this story. My mothers mother is not her biological mother, so I will just be referring to her as Shrew-face. Shrew-face came up from Florida to come ‘spend some time’ with us as she put it. Us being my mother and my aunts family, but that is another story all on its own. My mother warned me and my brother that Shrew-face was not to be trusted and to hide our valuables and not leave her unsupervised at all.

Shrew-face came up with one of my uncles and his wife, they came and spent some time with us, asked about my hair as I had recently dyed it a very nice deep blue color, so I showed them the bottle of dye I had, which was still half-full, as once it began to fade I was going to reapply it, before putting it back in the downstairs bathroom closet. My mother showed them her crystal sets and a very nice vintage case of Holland Silver Spoons. This is all very important.

A few days after they left, my mother is running around the house in a panic and I ask what’s wrong. She can’t find the case of silver spoons anywhere, or her very nice crystal set. She asks me to take a look around to see if I can find them, so I do, we literally tear the house apart and can NOT find them anywhere. My mother is in absolute tears and thoroughly enraged. She knows that Shrew-face stole her crystal set and the silver spoons, but she can’t accuse her of anything as her father will just defend Shrew-face. My mother then asks me to take a look around to make sure nothing else is missing. Everything seems to check out until I look in the downstairs bathroom closet. Who in their right mind steals a half-full bottle of hair dye?!

(It is Christmas Eve, and the store I work at is closed for Christmas. My boss calls me in for a customer who needs to make a last-minute purchase. I live nearby and am getting paid so this isn’t an issue. The customer comes in and spends over an hour shopping.)

Customer: (places one of the cheapest items on the counter) I can’t believe they make you work on Christmas Eve

Me: (in my head) If you weren’t here to shop, I wouldn’t have to work on Christmas.

Me: (what I actually said) Have a nice day.