My state is one of the ones that enforces the use of masks in public. I’m not taking a stance on them either way or saying anything political, but I do have to wear one every day at work at a grocery store where I am a cashier. I typically have little patience for people that get upset with having to wear masks since they usually get angry with me and it’s not like I made the choice. But I keep my mouth shut when they complain to the people they come in with. However I thought I’d share a complaint about the masks that I found amusing. One day in the afternoon, a woman in her 50s or so comes in and is complaining and cursing about having to wear a mask. She is speaking to who I assume is her husband. I can hear her complain about how hard it is to breathe and how hard it is the breathe in the masks. This is her main complaint. Which I completely understand if there is a medical issue and I’ll admit the masks can be a pain when I have to stock shelves. She then makes her way to the register, still complaining to her husband. She looks to me and says “Six packs of Newports”. For some who may be unfamiliar, this is a brand of cigarettes. I pause for a second and am grateful she can’t read my expression. I think to myself “That might be why it’s so hard for you to breathe”. I instead respond “yes ma’am”, she checks out, and then goes on her way.

My brother and his wife had asked my mother to watch their children, one of them their sleeping six month old son for a while, so they could go to the nearby store and do their shopping undisturbed. As shopping took somewhat longer than foreseen, my nephew woke and was immediately venting his malcontent because he was thirsty. As the parents didn’t leave anything behind – it was only for the famous five minutes – my mum was at a loss.

Mum: What do I do? He is thirsty and all I have is the boxes with fruit juice for his siblings but the parents did not leave a bottle or anything.
Me: (after a pause since I was taken a bit aback by her panic) Well, you carefully put the straw in his mouth, push the box a little and when he tastes the liquid, he will do what babies do best: suckle.
(I would advise against it on a regular basis, it is not without hazards and mum and me watched him the whole time.)
Mum: It worked. You are so smart, how did you know to do that when you have no kids yourself?
Me: Because it is the exact same advise you gave (auntie) fifteen years ago when their car with their shopping broke down and she called you for advise as it would be a while before the tow truck would arrive and (nephew) was hungry?

My health insurance through my job has an…interesting…policy that you have to get a wellness checkup by September 30th, or your monthly premiums go up a LOT. I called at the beginning of September and scheduled a video appointment for 9/28. I received an email confirmation as soon as I scheduled the appointment. On 9/21, I received a text message reminding me. All well and good, or so I thought. On 9/28, I checked in and opened up the video call, and…nothing. I figured maybe the doctor was behind schedule, but twenty minutes after the appointment was supposed to start, I received a phone call from the office. Supposedly, they called and left a message on 9/9 to tell me that the doctor would be out on 9/28 and I needed to reschedule. I never received any such message, though I suspect that is the fault of my cell-signal blocking desk drawer at work (a problem I discovered later in the month for unrelated reasons). Nonetheless, the office NEVER called me back. They never sent any further emails. They didn’t put a notice on my notice board on their website. They even sent out a confirmation AFTER they supposedly told me to reschedule. Lucky for me that I was able to get in an appointment with a different doctor on 9/29, but still…I am decidedly unhappy with their communication skills.

My grandmother’s identical twin sister lives about three hundred miles away, on the other side of the country. She and Granny visit each other once every year or two. It just so happened that their visits synced in a way that my younger brother didn’t meet our great aunt until he was almost three. Of course, we didn’t tell him she was coming to visit. They both came to our house, and Mom called him in from the other room so he could say hi to Granny.

He toddled in excitedly, saw Granny and her sister, and stopped dead in his tracks. He spent a couple minutes looking from one to the other in absolute bewilderment. Finally he looked at Mom with a questioning expression. Laughing, she explained that Granny AND her sister were visiting, and that the two women look like each other.

My brother promptly dubbed our great aunt “Aunt Granny” and we’ve called her that ever since.

My girlfriend and I have just gotten home from running some errands. It’s a nice fall day out, partly cloudy but the sun is shining and there is a nice breeze. My girlfriend is getting over a cold so her body temperature has been fluctuating all day. She is sitting on the couch fanning herself with her hand.

GF: What the heck, my whole body is hot except my boobs are cold.

Me: That’s because they miss me.

GF: Is that so?

Me: Yup. Bring them over here, I’ll warm them up. *I flap my hand back and forth, miming a slapping motion*

GF: That’s what you’re NOT going to do to them!