This takes place when I was about eight years old, and competing on a swim team.

I was at a local swim meet for kids my age, with the pool being set up the 25-yard length (short). Only one side of the pool had starting blocks and people doing the timing. So, kids doing the 50-yard, 100-yard, etc. events started from the blocks; but, kids doing the 25-yard dash events started from the side of the pool without blocks so they’d finish at the side with the timers. This also meant that kids doing the next event starting from opposite sides could stretch and get ready at the lane.

You might see where this is going.

I was gearing up to do a girls’ 25-yard event, officials making their ‘ready’ calls and us poised with our heads down to dive in. Little did we realize that the officials on the other side were mistakenly doing the same for the event after ours, a boys’ 50-yard event. Somehow the person manning the one starting beep didn’t notice the boys on that side poised to dive.

Que a bunch of spectating parents shouting for all kids to stop as the pool was suddenly filled with 8 year olds barreling towards each other unawares, unable to distinguish the shouts of alarm from cheering.

I was the first to find out. I was actually ahead and was feeling strong and excited, until I crashed head first into the other swimmer’s head. Dazed and confused, we both looked around, realized what had happened and swam back to our respective sides and climbed out. There was angry shouting going on at the other side of the pool.

Once it was clear everyone was okay, we raced again a bit later, though the piss had been knocked out of me and I didn’t do very well. My dad was at least mildly amused.

I decide I want to get new glasses, and since it’s been a while, probably 5 years, I do the full eye exam and find my vision has only changed slightly. I decide on a new pair and I’m sitting with the store employee going through the paperwork.

Employee: So with your insurance, your total comes out to $14.
Me: Okay.
Employee: Did you want to sign up for the additional coverage?
Me: No, that’s okay.
Employee: It covers you for anything that needs to be repaired or replaced for 12 months. It’s only $25.
Me: No, I’m good. If I need to replace them, I’ll just get a new pair.
Employee: (looking at me like I’m crazy) Ooookay.

I could understand if I wore them playing basketball, was in elementary school, or liked to hit them with a hammer, but I didn’t see the need to double the price of my glasses. By the way, 2 years later, same frames.

My mother loves celebrating holidays – but doesn’t really like putting up the decorations and taking them down. Since I live with her, I’m the one tasked with helping.

At the end of November I decide to do something nice for her. Since her work starts and ends so much earlier than mine (we have two completely different jobs) I decide it’s high time to put up the tree. I prepare my lunch of leftover Thanksgiving fixings, put everything back into the fridge, and get to work.

It’s a fake tree, about six feet tall (taller than me) but it’s pretty easy to put together. We normally put it up in the living room by the French doors, next to the kitchen, in front of the corner fireplace. I set it up, check it over, find it looks good, and head to work…

…completely forgetting my lunch.

I text my mother in frustration that I’ve forgotten my lunch. She texts back saying because she’s off work at noon, she’ll drop it off for me. I thank her, and wait for her arrival.

She comes into my work and I’m thrilled, because of my delicious lunch, and I’m hoping she’s seen the tree. We make small talk, but nothing comes up.

It’s at the end of the conversation that I ask, “Mum, I put the tree up.”

She stares at me, wide-eyed. She hadn’t seen the tree at all! She was so engrossed in her task of getting my lunch she walked straight from the garage into the dining room and into the kitchen, completely missing the living room – and the tree – entirely. She just grabbed the lunch from the fridge, turned around, and went back.

We laughed about it, and she went back home, texting me thanks when she saw the tree.

My boss is scatter-brained and doesn’t listen, but likes to insert herself in conversation to make her look like she is on top of things. If you ask for clarification, she explodes on you for essentially calling her out. She also likes to take credit for other’s work in front of her boss.

Boss: Hey, [My Name], I know there was a bug awhile back. You … I mean… weee fix it, correct?

Me: Yes. We did.

Note: I have no idea what the heck she is talking about.

Her: Oh good. What was the problem?

Me: It was a software update error.

Her: Oh. thay’s right. I remember now.

Do you?

(I am a dining server at an assisted-living facility. I am in the middle of serving a resident when this takes place.)

Me: Here’s your meal. Enjoy!

Resident: Thank you.

(I begin to walk away when she calls me back to the table).

Me: Can I help you?

Resident: Yes, can I have some cheese?

Me: …Cheese?

Resident: Yes, just a few slices. I need it.

Me: Uh…sure, I’ll be right back.

(I run into the kitchen and tell my supervisor what she wanted.)

Supervisor: That isn’t the weirdest request we’ve had. (To Cook) Can you put a few slices of cheese on a plate please?

(The cook hands me a plate with three slices of cheese. I wrap it in foil and bring it to the resident.)

Resident: (places it on her walker) Ah, perfect. Thank you!

Me: (as she walks away) …You’re welcome.