Last weekend 2 friends and I had a socially distanced meetup at a park so that we could catch up. Keep in mind we are generally away from anyone else and right next to a laken
Friend 1: I wonder what I would do if I murdered someone.
Me: Hide the body probably
Friend 1: I would chop the body into little pieces and then hide them in the sewers
Me: Ooh good Idea but you should burn the fingerprints off first
Friend 1: yeah and then you should put a dead animal carcass on top so the police dogs will only find the dead animal
Me: or you could put the little pieces in cement and then drop them in a lake Friend 2: (terrified expression)
Me: Oh dont worry friend 2 if I was going to murder anyone I would murder friend 1 she’s smaller

It’s 2 days before Global Health Crisis Christmas of 2020. The limit for indoor gatherings in my state is 10 people; my family, all local, 9 in total, will be gathering for Christmas dinner at my brother’s. He sends a group text saying dinner is at 3. We reply with variations of “Okay” and “Cool”, until my youngest sister (brilliant, rational, and a medical assistant) replies “I won’t be there. I have a flight to LA.”

She has friends in other states, so under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t be weird, but going to Pandemic Central now? What the hell is she thinking?! I don’t say that, of course, when I immediately call her. I just ask when she made this plan since she hasn’t mentioned anything. She laughs, says she was joking, and I cover my embarrassment for not realizing that by laughing along with her.

15 minutes later, she sends a group text: “That was a joke.”

I confirmed: I wasn’t the only one who called her.

My husband is working from home, listening to a music playlist on his speakers. I decide to interrupt him for some intimate time, and afterwards we’re lying together talking. We also tend to be fairly silly.

Me: I like being able to snuggle with you during the day. Even if you have to get back to work soon.

Husband: It’s not a problem, I like taking breaks like this!

Me: Yay!

Husband: Yay!

And right then, his playlist decides to play the next song.

Song: Oh No! Oh No! Oh No! Oh no you didn’t!

Husband: … I did not plan that.

Me: *cracks up*

(Because it’s Plague Time we can’t have our normal big Christmas gathering. So my parents and I go to drop off Christmas gifts for my niece, my nephew-in-law, and my great nephew who’s 4 years old. I’m wearing my mask when my great nephew comes up to me.)

Great Nephew: “You’re not my best friend but I love you.”

I’m shopping at a big box store. Though I don’t do the bulk of my grocery shopping at this store, I often stop there on my way home from work if I’m out of milk or toothpaste or something. The store is directly along the route I drive, and the grocery and personal hygiene sections are close to the door, so it’s the most convenient place to stop.

This particular chain is known for their poor quality, overpriced clothes. No one I know buys clothes there, and I’ve never seen a single person shopping in the clothes section. I bought a shirt there once just to see if it was as bad as people say, and it fell apart after three washes.

I see a sign when entering the store this time that says it’s going to be undergoing renovations soon. As I’m shopping in the grocery section, I pass a group of four people. One is wearing a suit and has a general air that screams “corporate.” Another is a manager, and the other two look like normal employees. The three non-corporate people seem to be trying as hard as possible to please the corporate guy.

Corporate Guy: “I want all of this cleared out. It can go along the edges of the store. The entire middle should be clothes. Our clothing lines HAVE to be the focus going forward. Everything else is secondary. When people think of our store, they should think clothes, and only clothes. It should be the first thing they see when they walk in the doors.”

Manager: “Of course! We’ll begin the move as soon as possible.”

Corporate Guy: “And since we’re expanding the clothes section, some of the other sections may need to be reduced or eliminated.”

I didn’t stick around to eavesdrop on more of their renovation plans, but I heard enough. Just as they said, after the renovation was complete, the clothes section took up most of the store. Everything else was pushed toward the back and sides of the store, so a simple trip to get milk now meant walking a loop of the entire building. I stopped shopping there except for things I could only get at a big box store. The few times I’ve been in the store since, I still haven’t seen anyone shopping in the clothes section, and the store in general is a lot less busy.