(On the weekend, I take advantage of our main machine not being used to testing to run some calibration curves. However, the sheer amount of testing needed for it makes an old wrist injury flare up, so I show up to work on Monday wearing a wrist brace and a home made glove underneath it. I have variations of this conversation all day)
Person: Oh! What did you do to your wrist?
Me: All the vials I had to open on the weekend have made it flare up again. I’ll be fine in a few days.
Person: So is the glove for extra support?
Me: No, I’m just allergic to the brace.
(No one really knows how to respond to that)

(It’s almost time for my first on street driving portion of drivers ed. I get a ride there with my friend who’s also taking the class and her brother.)

Friends Brother: “Don’t Die!

Me: “I’m sure we can handle that.”

Friend: “We better be able to handle that.”

(I am an idiot with bad luck. Someone slams into my car, but they claim I ran a stop sign, which I did NOT. A few weeks after that I go to the doctor and get blood tests done for a completely separate reason, obviously. I am worried about the results because I have many health problems. They told me if the results were serious they would call me, otherwise it would be online. One day I get a phone call while at school, but I ignore it because I’m in class. Afterwards I notice its the area code of my doctors office. I call back, expecting to be told I am dying.)
Sketchy sounding robot: “Thank you for calling [generic name] insurance company. [gargled hard to understand nonsense including ‘social security number’ and ‘insurance’]-”
*click*
(I hang up because it sounds like a telemarketer service and I’m internally pissed because it gave me a heart attack. About an hour later I get a call back.)
Me: Hello?
Robot voice: This is [generic insurance name] calling about your coverage-
Me: No thank you!
Robot voice: Would you like to be removed from our calling list?
Me: YES!
(About a week after that I got a very not nice letter. Apparently it was actually the insurance company of the woman who hit me and I have been ‘evading’ them. Oops.)

I’m on the toilet when i hear my parents talking in the kitchen. They’ve been racist towards muslims and romani people (but only behind their backs) and referred to a black movie character as a “n*gger”.

Mom: The news say that people have gone door to door selling phony coronavirus vaccines.

Dad: It must be the g*psies

I crack the door open so that they can hear me.

Me: There you go, blaming the romanis for everything.

My mum is babysitting my 5 year old nephew and 3 year old niece. She asks the kids if they can play quietly together while she clears up after lunch.

They decide to play hairdressers with their stuffed animals in the next room. Mum is keeping an ear on them for arguments when she hears this gem.

Niece: Hello dolly. How would you like your hair today? You’d like it gray and thin on top like grandpa? Okay.