(I was working at the beginning of a closing shift. The antagonist in my story is a regular that’s SO regular the owners bought him his own special coffee cup. I’ve worked here for 5 months. The last time i saw him was about two weeks ago and he asked me AGAIN what my name was. I’ve probably served him 5-10 times in 5 months. He’s usually accompanied by a friend, but today he dines alone. The dinner went normal. I kept his coffee full and his ticket time was about 13 minutes. He’s finished eating and I’ve dropped the check and prebussed the table. As I walk by I make some small talk. he’s seated by my POS)

Regular: So (Inaduable) Due?

Me: Excuse me sir?

Regular: So when is your little one due?

(I was horrified. I mumbled, “I’m not pregnant” and scurried off to cry privately. I used to be VERY overweight. Around 300 lbs. I’ve lost 106 lbs in the last 15 months. I wore a medium shirt for the first time since High School two months ago. I’ve lost 14 sizes in jeans. I was so proud of myself.)

Me: *enters teachers/workers room*

*The two English teachers inside start laughing evilly*

Me: *laughs evilly as well*

*The two teachers stop laughing and start staring at me, thus leading to an awkward silence*

One of the teachers: … That was a good one.

(I have an identical twin brother who goes to the same school as me. We’re often confused for one another. A random girl approaches me)

Girl: “Michael! I hate you! I hope you f***ing die!”

Me: “What? What did I do? I don’t even know you. And my name is Mark, not Michael. Michael is my brother.”

Girl: “Don’t play that bulls***! You said you would call me back and you never did you a**hole!”

(At this point my brother walks up)

Brother: “What’s up bro?” (Sees the girl standing there) “Oh s**t!” (Runs away. The girl then apologizes and chases after my brother, shouting curse words)

(It’s the day of my grandmother’s funeral, and obviously the whole family is rather distraught. After the service, once we’ve all calmed down somewhat, we decide to go out for lunch. After everybody gets to the restaurant, we all walk in to get a table. Note that all sixteen of us are still wearing black and looking rather somber. The host at the stand apparently noticed this.)

Host: (loudly and jovially) Wow, look at all the long faces! Did somebody die or something?

Dad: … Yes. We just came from the funeral. Do you have room for sixteen?

(My friend took another friend and I to a play and this conversation happened in the car on the way to the theatre)

Friend 1: [adjusting the fan so it wouldn’t be as cold] I don’t need it to be as cold as my heart in here.

Me: I would say the same thing, but I don’t have a heart.

[My two friends are just dying at this point. a couple minutes later, the same friend goes]: that’s just of the many things I’m lacking.

Me: [without skipping a beat] I lack many things too. like a personality.

[Again, we all just die of laughter. the friend just stares forward and is all like clever, very clever]