(We are in history class and are learning about the Silk Road.)

Teacher: “Remember guys, the Silk Road wasn’t just one road, nor was it made of silk. If it was, it could be like a giant slip-n-slide across countries.”

Me: “Well yeah, but it depends on how wide the silk is and you need water.”

Teacher: “…That’s fair.”

My Grandma is 80 years old. She has no idea about computers or the internet, but has bought herself a Kindle.

Grandma: Look, Tom! I got an electronic book!

Me: You mean a Kindle?

Grandma: What? No, it’s an electronic book.

Me: An eBook then?

Grandma: NO! AN ELECTRONIC BOOK!

Me: How does it work, then?

Grandma: I push a button and words appear. It’s an electronic book!

Me: -sigh- yes, Grandma, it’s an electronic book.

To this day, she refuses to acknowledge the words ‘eBook’ or ‘Kindle’ and insists everyone refer to the Kindle as her ‘Electronic book’.

So I have been working in the department at my store that handles the animals for just over a year and I’m trying very hard to do my best. Somehow for two days straight I miss an animal that isn’t feeling well despite doing my best to handle every animal. It’s my day off and i get a text from a coworker that two managers noticed a hamster that wasn’t feeling well and did nothing. Didn’t notify any of the associates or anything. Just left the hamster to see who would notice.

Then I find out that apparently there is a mandatory meeting with the store manager that i wasn’t even told about.

Apparently management has decided that the associates are mind readers

I am eating dinner with my girlfriend and her mother, when she mentions that she has never been to a funeral.

Me: Wait…you’ve never been to a funeral?

Girlfriend: Um…no?

Me: …OK, we’re going to get our children short-lived pets, so their first experience of death will be when they’re young enough to be comforted by sitting on their parents’ laps.

They both look at me oddly, as I’m unusually passionate about this point.

Me: No, seriously! The point of having your grandparents die when you’re little is so, when your friend dies in college, it isn’t the first time you’ve faced it!

Girlfriend’s mother: (faking anger) I’m so sorry about my longevity! I AM only 45!

Me: We’ll figure something out. Our kids are NOT going to make it to 20 without experiencing death.

Gf’s mother: (as if completing my sentence) …even if we have to…! *makes stabbing motion*

(It’s before school and I’m hanging out with a friend. I’m messing with his phone.)

Friend: “Do you know how to unlock my phone?”

Me: “Of course I do; do you think I’m stupid?”

Friend: *Not paying attention because he’s reading* “Yes.”

Me: “Did you call me stupid?”

Friend: “…Maybe…”