(I work at a restaurant as a waitress. It is a small breakfast place so it’s just me and the cook working. There’s no one there and it is a cold morning so we are both standing by the warm stove. He decides to make himself a burger and slides it all over the grill with the spatula because he’s bored)

Me: Hopefully no vegetarians come in

Him: You mean vegans?

Me: I meant vegetarians but vegan counts too

(We talk a little bit about how we don’t know how people can be vegetarian or vegan because meat is so good)

Him: Vegetarians can s*** D***

Me: No they can’t, cause that would be meat

(He later gave me a high five from his girlfriend whom he had told)

(I live in an apartment, and I’m eating dinner when I hear a knock on my door.)

Guy: Hey, sorry to bother you, but do you have any hot sauce?

Me: Uh, I think I might have some taco seasoning.

Guy: Taco seasoning? Nah. Thanks anyway.

Me: Sure, no problem. *closes door*

(Then, from next door, I hear a knock, and him asking again if the occupant has any hot sauce. I hope you find yourself some hot sauce eventually, dude.)

(I’m reporting myself for this one. I live in apartments and have recently called the maintenance guy to come fix a few issues for me.)

Me: “And the last thing I needed help with was the kitchen blinds. I’ve been trying for WEEKS to get them to close properly and they won’t. And it’s just so spontaneous! I mean, why would they suddenly not work?!”

(I proceed to pull on various cords to show him that the blinds are faulty.)

Me: “See what I mean? I can’t figure out what wrong with it! It’s so annoying!”

(The maintenance man simply leans over, untangles the blinds, and just looks at me.)

Me: “Um, yep, that’s, um, all I needed help with. Thank you! Bye!”

(Still not saying a word, he walks out muttering and shaking his head while my hair tried not to catch fire from how red and hot my face was.)

(My Geology professor has a second job at a fast food restaurant, and really doesn’t like that she needs to work there. One day, right as she’s starting our early-morning class, her cell phone rings.)

Professor: I thought I turned this stupid thing- Oh no, it’s my boss. My other boss.

(She steps out into the hallway to take the call, and returns just a minute later.)

Professor: Sorry about that, guys. I’ve told him again and again that I have to be here when I have class, but I keep getting calls to come in and cover other people’s shifts.

(She powered off her phone and started our class.)

My brother and I are doing hw at the kitchen table together. This was a few years ago.

Brother: What are you doing?

Me: Copying a friend’s hw, I needed some help with this one.

Brother: I wish I had friends.