(This exchange happens last April, when my sister and I are watching TV. The weatherman is on.)

Weatherman: We will be expecting April showers this Sunday in the morning…

Me: Hey, [sister].

Sister: Yeah?

Me: If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?

Sister: Allergies.

(Clearly, we both know the punchline is ‘pilgrims.’ I roll my eyes)

Me: And you just ruined the joke.

Sister: You’re welcome.

(My brother and I go on a cruise. Not only does the cruise itself last a week and go almost as far south as Venezuela, but the port is in southern Florida, a day’s drive from our home in South Carolina. We planned the trip for months before leaving, including taking time off work and school and telling everyone where we’re going. On the last night, his phone rings.)

Brother’s boss: “Hey, [Coworker] isn’t coming in tonight. Can you cover his shift?”

Brother (to me): “They want me to come in to work today!”

Me: “Tell them, ‘Sure, just send a helicopter to get me.'”

(A woman comes in, looks around for a few minutes, then comes up to the register with a printer she clearly didn’t have before.)

Coworker (over the radio): Stall her, I’m coming up to the front after checking the printer stock.

Me: Hi, how can I help you?

Customer: I want to return this printer. It doesn’t work with my computer.

Me: What do you mean?

Customer: I mean the damn thing doesn’t work! The cable doesn’t fit!

(This printer, like most sold today, don’t even come with the cable. At this point, my coworker notices a missing printer from our display and is on the way up front.)

Me: Are you talking about the USB cable? The UNIVERSAL printer cable that should work with all printers?

Customer: Don’t sass me! I want my store credit!

Me: Ma’am, the printer hasn’t even been opened yet.

Customer: Well, f*** you if you don’t think I could re-tape it!

Me: It’s the same tape as it was first boxed with. Not to mention you didn’t know about the USB cable, which is both not included with this printer, and standard for EVERY printer and computer for years.

Customer: GIVE ME MY F***ING MONEY!

(She takes a swing at me, and gets immediately restrained by my coworker, who she looks to outweigh by about 50 pounds The police soon arrive, dragging the customer kicking and screaming out the door. Somehow, I was fired for almost losing a printer! Glad I’m never working there again.)

[i](My nephew is 6 and while he doesn’t fully understand the whole birds and the bees thing, his understanding is that it is a man who “puts the baby in the woman’s tummy” when he loves her. I had previously been in a relationship with a girl a few years before but we never became intimate, he remembers this out of the blue and becomes curious about this. Due to his own mother raising him as a single parent and then meeting another man, however, this makes things somewhat confusing for him at times)[/i]

[b]Nephew:[/b] “<My name>?”

[b]Me:[/b] “Yes?”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “You had a girlfriend, right?”

[b]Me:[/b] “Yes…?

[b]Nephew:[/b] “Does that mean you’re a dad?”

[b]Me:[/b] “No, I am not.”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “But you use to be one?”

[b]Me:[/b] “No, we never had children, so I am not and have never been a dad.”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “Why not?”

[b]Me:[/b] [i]*trying my best to put this in a way he would understand*[/i] “… Because… She wouldn’t let me make one with her…”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “Oh… If she had a baby now, would you be the dad then?”

[b]Me:[/b] [i]*caught off guard by that question, and not thinking this answer through*[/i] “No, and she’d have a hard time proving it if she tried to make that claim.”

[i](Thankfully my nephew accepted my answers at that point and happily went about the rest of his day)[/i]

My boss is a hothead and somewhat clueless, unfortunately a lot of my role is figuring simple things out for him.

Manager: (my name) was there any lifting equipment in (room).

Me: No I don’t believe so, I would have remembered something like that.

Manager: Make sure please, I want to know for sure.

(It was a bit of an odd request but simple enough, lifting equipment is huge and has to be bolted down leaving a permanent outline where it used to be and four large bolts sticking out of the floor.

Knowing my boss can be such a pain I meticulously look over the whole floor area, move parts around. And double check with staff in the room, team leaders of the department and engineers who have been with the company since it opened.)

Me: Hey boss, just to let you know, there has never been any lifting equipment in that room.

(I think that it’s over, until I get a snarky email, telling me that I don’t follow through with my work, that (my bass) has had to do my work for me and how disappointed he was.)

Me: (angry) So who exactly has told you that there was a crane in the room?

Manager: (facilities manager) did. Frankly I expected better of you, I give you a simple job to do and you fail miserably.

Me: You’ve got it wrong, there is no way that i’m wrong.

Manager: (blowing up) fine! i’ll call him and when he gets here you will see.

(moments later)

Manager: Tell HIM. what you told me!

Facilities manager: What? he know we arranged it together.

Manager: See! See! you knew about this all along. I don’t know what’s wrong with you!

Me: Hang on, (to Facilities manager) has there been any lifting equipment in (room)?

Facilities manager: no of course not.

Manager: But you told me that there was.

Facilities manager: No, I told you , in very clear detail that there was a lifter in (other room). That is the one (my name) arranged to be removed.

Me: Thank you, (to my manager) are we finished here?

(I don’t wait for a response, as I knew there would never be an apology coming. this sort of thing happens every week, I can’t wait to find somewhere else to work.)