(In the midst of major layoffs at the local level, our corporate office keeps hiring new executives. Our new COO is trying to pal up with the employees at our local office and gain our trust.)
COO: “I’m not a Neiman Marcus gal, I’m a Walmart gal. Not that I’d ever shop at Walmart.”
(How reassuring.)
(I am on the phone when a regular customer approaches my register. As I go to hang up the phone, the receiver falls and I end up fiddling with it in a frustrated manner for several few seconds before finally getting it to stay.)
Me: “Sorry about that. How are you doing today?”
Customer: *briefly glances up, then looks back down at his wallet* “Did ya hit that, brother?”
(I think the guy is asking if I punched the phone and broke it, so I almost respond with some joke like “Not yet” or “Only once” or “All the time” or whatever. As I open my mouth to respond, I suddenly realize he’s asking if I had sex with my rather attractive coworker who is at the register behind me.)
Me: *shocked* ….uh……
(I finish up his transaction and hand him his receipt)
Customer: “Well if you do, take pictures!”
(Never saw him again!)
(I’m at a yard sale with my family during the school holidays, though I’m looking at a box of toys and posters while my family looks at other things. A girl who looks roughly the same age as me comes over and looks through the box with me. We talk about some of the posters before she says this.)
Girl: Hey, are you free at all this week?
Me: I don’t think anything’s planned, I’d have to ask my parents. They like to spring stuff on us at a moments notice sometimes.
Girl: Well if you’re free on Sunday, would you wanna…watch a movie or something?
Me: Ouch…sorry, but I’m gay.
(The girl pauses for a second, then a wave of realisation washes over her.)
Girl: Oh s***! No offense, but I thought you were a girl! *laughs nervously*
(I laugh it off, we exchange contacts and part ways. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how I met my best friend of two years.)
Student: “Hey, you remember that labs were a struggle for me, since I wouldn’t stay and listen to your instruction but chose to go outside to the “bathroom” (aka text my friends since my phone doesn’t get service in this stupid building) for about 20 minutes of your 75 minute instruction and then cut out ASAP during the time you remained after this to work with us. Then, you weren’t there after 6pm the day before it was due to hold my hand and tell me what to type and everyone else was done except my friend who has missed two of the four labs this semester, so I had to help him and he has problems, let me tell you. Anyway, I have no idea what to do on this test, and had no idea that we were allowed to use our books/notes, since I was in the “bathroom” when you announced this (was it two or three times during lab and in an email to everyone?) and so I need you to sit here beside me, while everyone else is taking the test, and tell me what to type because I don’t want a bad grade.
(Other students rolling their eyes and looking in disbelief!)
Professor: Uh… No.
At counter buying drinks for co-workers.
Clerk:(Ready to write on last cup) And who is this for?
Me: Christy. Like Christ…with a ‘Y’
Clerk: Okay…is that with a ‘C’ or a ‘K’?
