(I’ve just had dinner with my parents and we go out to the parking lot, where my car’s parked next to theirs.)
Dad: Did you know your hubcap’s missing?
Me: WHAT?!?
Dad: Did you know your hubcap’s missing?
Me *staring at the tire*: What???
Dad: Did you know your hubcap’s missing?
Me: What the–?
Dad: Your hubcap, the thing that covers your wheel, it’s–
Me: No, I know! I know. And no, I don’t know where it went!
(My boss, my manager and I are chatting just after a meeting talking about Casinos)
Boss: I love [local casino] but I always lose.
Manager: That’s why the call it ‘gambling’, you never know what you’re gonna get.
Me: Really? I’ve never lost at [local casino].
Together: Really?
Me: Yeah. I just stick to Blackjack and come out on top even after drinks and tips.
(We finish chatting, part and go on with our days. The next morning my boss walks looking ridiculously happy)
Boss: [me], you’re my lucky charm! I went back to [local casino] and walked out with a thousand bucks!
Me and Manager: Oh my god!
Boss: Come here. I’m going back tonight and I want to rub your head for good luck!
Me: Only if I get half!
My friend, who is studying to become a teacher, suggests joining her on a trip to London. Once I’m there, I realize so is an entire school class and half of their parents, meaning this is going to be one boring trip from hell. The last evening, I demand to do fun stuff for adults for once, going to the roughest night club I could find online. She is scared to go there with me (18 and female), so procures a chaperone at the very last moment, a 37-year-old father. A couple of minutes after we have arrived at the club, the following happens:
Chaperone: *horrified* “I just got asked if I want to buy drugs in the restroom.”
Me: *cheerily, since I really don’t like the unwelcome addition* “Cool! So what have you brought us?”
Chaperone: *indignantly* “How dare you! Other than both of you, I don’t do harmful and dangerous things like drugs! I am a good role model for my children!” *knocks down his hard liquor and lights a cigarette*
Friend: *defensively, gasping for air* “I’ve never even tried drugs!”
Me: *to friend, ignoring the chaperone* “Oh, I haven’t either. I just had to assume this was what you got us the sleazy old guy for.”
Needless to say, this was the last trip we ever took together.
Me: “I’ll have <item> and <item> thanks.”
Cashier: “Sure. Is that all?”
(Unfortunately, I misheard her and thought she asked “Are you South African?”)
Me: *confused* “No?”
(The woman, looking a bit bemused, waits patiently for the rest of my order.)
Cashier: “So did you want anything else?”
Me: “Oh, no thanks.”
(Later, the friend I was with asked me about my weird behavior, and I realised that I had misheard)
I am in 7th grade and can be rather mischievous.
Teacher: we are going to be watching a movie today in class. (my name) can you turn off the lights?
Me: (turns off lights and sneaks out of the classroom).
I go to my locker and put on a scream mask. Then I go back to my classroom and sit at the back of the room. For a minute or so, no one noticed. Then…
Student 1: Mrs. (Teacher) look at (my name)!!
Teacher: (between chuckles) (my name) take that mask off and go to the principals office.
I talked to the assistant principal. He was trying really hard not to laugh but said it wasn’t appropriate. He also called my mom and said he thought it was the funniest thing he had ever heard of a kid doing.
