(I was playing ‘This Little Piggy’ on my 3 year old nephews toes, but letting him recite the rhyme)
Nephew: This liitle piggy went to market, this little piggy had toast, this little piggy went to [pizza chain] and had pizza and breadsticks, this little piggy had none….
Me: (howling with laughter)
(I’m showing some friends a music video on my computer. At the end of the song, the reprise of the first verse is intentionally distorted, and the video is likewise distorted to look like a grainy, malfunctioning old videotape.)
Friend: Woah woah WOAH!
Me, Everyone else: What!?
Friend: *looking really freaked out* You guys hear that too, right?
Me: Hear what?
Friend: The song! Dude, I think something’s wrong with your speakers!
Me: You mean the tape hiss? The way the song was suddenly different at the end there?
Friend: OH MY GOD, I thought I was having a stroke or something! Why would they do that?!
Me: *enters teachers/workers room*
*The two English teachers inside start laughing evilly*
Me: *laughs evilly as well*
*The two teachers stop laughing and start staring at me, thus leading to an awkward silence*
One of the teachers: … That was a good one.
(I have an identical twin brother who goes to the same school as me. We’re often confused for one another. A random girl approaches me)
Girl: “Michael! I hate you! I hope you f***ing die!”
Me: “What? What did I do? I don’t even know you. And my name is Mark, not Michael. Michael is my brother.”
Girl: “Don’t play that bulls***! You said you would call me back and you never did you a**hole!”
(At this point my brother walks up)
Brother: “What’s up bro?” (Sees the girl standing there) “Oh s**t!” (Runs away. The girl then apologizes and chases after my brother, shouting curse words)
I am in line at a store, trying to purchase breakfast and a drink for my lunch. The cashier is obviously new at her job, and subsequently still learning which buttons to press, etc. I am trying to purchase a coffee, a doughnut, and a sports drink.
Cashier: “Ugh. This drink won’t scan. Honey, can you run back to the display and grab another drink with a clearer bar code?”
Me: “No. I think you’re just putting the scanner too close to the code. Move the bottle back an inch or two and try again.”
Cashier: “No, that’s not it. Get a new bottle.”
Manager: “What’s going on?”
Cashier: “This bottle won’t scan, so I’m waiting on her to go get a new one.”
Manager: “Try again. I think you’re holding the bottle too close to the scanner again.”
Cashier: “Okay… …your total is $13.50”
Me: “No. You punched in a dozen doughnuts, but I only have one. My total should be more like $5.00.”
Cashier (now angry): “I hit the doughnut button and that’s what came up. That’s what it costs to buy a doughnut!”
Manager: “What’s up?”
Cashier: “She’s mad about being held up in line, so she’s arguing with me about doughnuts.”
Me: “I was charged for a dozen doughnuts, when I only have one. I was simply pointing that out.”
Manager: “Did you even look for the ‘individual doughnut’ button?”
Cashier: “No. I just hit the picture of doughnuts.”
Manager: “This explains so much. Here…”
The manager ended up stepping in and finishing the transaction. As I walked away from the checkout, I saw the people in line behind me start heading for other checkouts, rather than have to deal with the new cashier.
