In first grade my teacher is an absolute bully. She yells constantly, leads the class in laughing at me for a mistake I made on the board while making no effort to actually correct me, and when she brings me a “prize” to reward me for good grades, tells me to dig in her purse for it before calling me stupid when I can’t find it in all the clutter. I am relieved when the year ends, and when I go back for second grade do my best to avoid her.

First Grade Teacher: “[MY NAME]!”

I turn to face her, terrified. To my shock, she gives me a big hug!

First Grade Teacher: “How are you? It’s so good to see you again!”

I am absolutely baffled by her behavior, but begin hearing stories of her being just as kind to more of her former students, confusing them as well. A few weeks later, word gets around that she is retiring at the end of the year, and it is soon accepted that she’s so happy to get rid of us forever that she “doesn’t mind” being nice until then.

(My sister and I just came home from a trip to the nearby lake, where we feed oatmeal to the wild ducks. My sister had taken a handful of oats to feed ducks in a different area prior to taking a swim. Later, at home…)

Sister: I’ve got oats all over me.

Me: Why?

Sister: The duckies weren’t there and I wasn’t sure what to do with the oatmeal, so I stuck it in my bosom and it got wet.

It’s a hot day. I’m going for a walk and I’m shirtless (I’m male). I walk past a mini-supermarket which has a security guard by the entrance. I step towards the side of the pavement near the door to let someone else pass.

Guard: Oi, mate, you can’t come in here without a shirt on.

Me: Oh, that’s OK, I wasn’t going in anyway.

Guard: You need to put a top on if you want to come in.

Me: I’m not coming in, it’s fine.

I start to walk off down the road.

Guard: Next time don’t forget your shirt!

Customer: “Are your one day deals only on for one day?”

Me: …. Yes.

(Simultaneously trying not to face palm and laugh)

(so it’s about 11:00 at nigh, and my best friend and I are baking a coconut cake. The recipe requires us to make a coconut simple syrup using coconut flakes. After cooking down, we need to strain out the flakes. I can’t find the strainer anywhere in my kitchen. As we are both rather creative we come up with a solution. We grab a freezer size ziplock bag and cut a bunch of small holes in it through which to squeeze the simple syrup.Keep in mind that sometimes the flakes of coconut block the holes and it requires some amount of force to squeeze the syrup out of the bag)

Friend: *squeezing bag*

Me: “Can I squeeze it”

Friend: *snickers*

Me: “What?”

Friend: “You know what it looks like right”

(by sheer chance, the bag had been squeezed into a shape that could only be recognized as a p***s.)

Me:”NOOO!! That sounded bad! That’s not what I meant!”

(We both collapsed from laughing so hard. I also later found the strainer inside a drawer, in plain sight.)