(At the time of this story, my friend was working through a drive through. After the customer gave his order and pulled to the window, this lovely exchange happened. I should mention my friend is into vore so her comments are always interesting)

Customer: You know, a guy like me likes to see girls like you on her back, preferably naked.

Friend: You know a girl like me likes to see guys like you in an oven, preferably with it preheated to 350 already.

Customer: I was just tryin to be flatterin.

Friend: You were just tryin to be raunchy for shock value and it didn’t work.

Customer: What if I had feelings for you.

Friend: wouldn’t change mine toward you. which is hungry.

Customer: As in good hungry?

Friend: As in Hannibal hungry.

Customer: *drives off*

(Granted, southern people tend to blur words together or pronounce them differently, but this one takes the cake. It was busy at this time at the library, we just finished our story hour we have every week for preschoolers, so there’s a ton of people at the desk waiting to be checked out. A grandmother comes up to my desk to check out books for her grandson.)

Grandmother: *sweetly* “Do I have anything else out?”

Me: “Just one called ‘The Son’ by Philipp Meyer.”

Grandmother: *suddenly irate* “I’ve never checked that out!”

Me: *I go through the spill about her double checking at home to make sure she really doesn’t have it there and I could check upstairs on the book shelf for it and call her later since we are so busy.*

Grandmother: “Go check. NOW.”

Me: *irritated because there are lines of people and she’s being so rude. But I know she probably left it at home, most patrons claiming they never had a book out and the ones who usually truly have it. While upstairs, I overhear a coworker ask her if she is being helped. She says yes in a snippy tone, pointing upstairs to me but asks for the name of the book again.*

Coworker: “It’s ‘The Son’ by Philipp Meyer.”

Grandmother: “How’s it spelled?”

Coworker: “M-e-y-”

Grandmother: “No, the TITLE.”

Coworker: “S-o-n.”

Grandmother: “Oh! I thought she meant ‘The Sun’ kinda like the one in the sky. Oh yeah, I still have that at home by the bed.”

(With that, she left. I wondered how different I said “son” from “sun” seeing as we’re both from the same Deep South town.)

(Here in Minnesota we have strict liquor laws concerning selling anything other than 3.2 beer after 10 o’clock. If someone sells any alcohol past that time, both the cashier and the business get a very hefty fine. So imagine my grim surprise two minutes after closing that the door opens, And a rushing woman walks in.)

Customer: I know you’re closed, but I just got off the phone with the woman in charge, she said I could buy alcohol as long as it’s five minutes after.

Me: You talked to my boss?

Customer: Yes.

(Thankfully, since my boss is cool, and I work in a small town liquor store, I’m allowed to be rude to fools.)

Me: -Laughs- You heard wrong.

Customer: She totally told me, Where is she?

Me: She’s been gone for six hours, It’s just me here. But what is it you wanted?

Customer: I told her I was just going to get a pint of Hennessy.

Me: -Laughs even harder- Ma’am, we’ve been out of Hennessy for weeks, well I do have a 1.75L of it left, but if you really need it that bad, it’ll cost $20,046.

Customer: What?! Why is it so expensive?!

Me: Because of all the fines we’ll receive for selling after ten o’clock. Plus a little extra for me so I can find myself a new job after I sell it to you.

Customer: -getting defensive- Well you don’t have to get hostile. I’ll call her back and get you fired anyway!

Me: -Shrugs- I wouldn’t hold your breath.

(She angrily leaves and I call my boss. Obviously she never got a phone call from someone about coming in late. After a bit of speculation and calling around, we discover that there was a new girl two miles down the road at a separate liquor store. Who answered the call. I saved her a massive fine.)

(So, I went to this private prep school, where everyone is super nerdy and stuff, one day, a new kid arrives, who is the physical embodiment of a “dumb jock.” He isn’t too good at science, maths, or any other subject, but his worst one is English (note, he speaks it fluently, but his spelling is waaaay off) He picks on pretty much everyone, and always tries to be “superior.” One day, while the class is changing for our swimming lesson, he walks up to me (note, I was very good at everything the Jock was bad at, especially english))

Jock: [My Name] How do you spell Camouflage?

Me: [Incorrect spelling of Camouflage]

Jock: Hah! That’s wrong it’s [Correct spelling of camouflage] This means that I’m smarter than you!

Everyone else in the room: No it doesn’t

Me: Yes, and how do you know this?

Jock: My grandad told me this morning.

Me: [internal facepalm]

I work for a pretty well-known software company doing application support. The application I support is an ERP system – so large that documentation does not usually go down to the nitty-gritty of how things are designed. We have a hot issue from a customer who just did a MASSIVE upgrade – we’re talking a decade or so worth of updates at once. Development has already sent a fix for them to test, but we send them a document from our Knowledge Base about a new-ish feature that may also be contributing to the problem. It’s a VERY thorough feature description with considerations and some potential impacts if customers have done certain things. (Note that we already had someone go over the whole feature and known issues with the customer.)

Customer updates the ticket: This document is focused specifically at the structure level, and does not provide any information on where it’s being used or the impact. It doesn’t mention this [completely unrelated thing]! That document is totally deficient and provides no information! If you’re going to use this feature in your delivered application, your document should point out every single place it’s used….in multiple places! All possible impacts of each use!

I begin messaging the manager when we see it.

Me: I’m….not quite sure how to respond to that as we already went over it with them…Also I’ve never seen someone get so angry at a document lol. They were perfectly happy on the phone.

Manager: I know!