I’m standing behind another customer who’s trying to pay for her hair cut at the counter. There’s a big sign on the counter: “We’re sorry, but our card reader is broken! We can only accept cash. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

Customer: <takes out a credit card and hands it to the clerk>

Clerk: Oh, I’m sorry, our card reader isn’t working right now. We can only take cash,

Customer: Oh, okay. How about debit?

Clerk: Our card reader is broken. We can’t take any cards, only cash.

Customer: Well, I don’t know how to pay you then!

Some years back, I had friend who told me he was taking singing lessons. He was proud of this fact for some special reason. Years before he was one of the “advisors” you would hear about during the early years of American involvement in Vietnam. Before that, he was at West Point. At the time, whether you wanted to or not, you “volunteered” to be in the West Point glee club. He showed up in the music room and the following happened:

Director: [Plays a note on the piano] Soldier, sing this note!

Friend: Sir, I can’t sing.

Director: [Plays the note again] Soldier, sing this note!

Friend: But, Sir, I really can’t sing.

Director: Soldier, are you violating a direct order? [Plays the note once more] Sing this note!

Friend: [Attempts to sing. I’ve heard him sing. I’m pretty sure it was beyond awful] Laaa!

Director: [Quietly and with resignation] You’re right. You can’t sing. Dismissed.

I am coming out of the Mcdonalds drive through, preparing to park to eat my food. There is a customer in the parking lot patked in the most inconvenient way possible, taking up four parking spaces with their oversized truck. A “vote hillary 2016” sticker covered the back window in a way that i am sure breaks some code. I try to talk to her as i drive by.

Me: Ma’am, you aren’t suposed to park like that.

Her: *flips me off* F*** YOU!

Me: if a cop saw you he would ticket you.

Her: F*** YOU!

I drive to a different parking spot and eat my food. There are about 13 crows outside my car so i start feeding them (you arent suposed too, but i was bored). All of the crows fly off, and suddenly i am scared out of my socks as the manager of the mcdonalds knocks on my car door.

Me: I wasnt feeding birds!

Manager: a customer just told us you insulted her mother and threatened to call the cops on her for her political sticker.

Me: Ummmm….. no

I proceded to tell her the story and we both had a good laugh.

(It is the 4th of July weekend, and the SPCA in our town is running an adoption special. All adult dogs are $17.76 to adopt in honor of the holiday. I volunteer at this shelter and my boyfriend and I have come to visit the dogs frequently. We’ve finally found one we love and fits with us and we’re signing the adoption papers. This conversation happens with another member of the public at the front desk.)
Shelter staff: “There you go (my name)! I’m so happy you guys finally found a dog you love, and for a great price!”
Me: “Yeah, Brandy is a great dog and we can use the money we’re saving on her adoption fee to buy more stuff to spoil her with!”
Teenage girl standing in lobby looking at the cats hanging out in a cage there: “how much are dogs this weekend?”
Shelter staff: “they’re only $17.76 to adopt adult dogs! Did you wanna look at one?”
Teen girl: “I don’t get it, why is it $17.76, is there tax or something?”
Me: “No…it’s Independence Day. $17.76 like the year? 1776? Declaration of Independence?”
Teen girl: “oh! Like that Nicolas Cage movie!”
(Slightly stunned silence from all of us. She grins and walks off to join her family.)
Shelter staff: “I literally don’t even know what to say to that girl. Enjoy the new fur friend, (my name).”

At work one day, someone calls the store. I pick up.

Me: [Dollar Store], how can I help you?

Customer (on the phone): Hi there, I was here yesterday, and I bought a bag of that premade popcorn. Just after I opened it and ate a few pieces, I looked at the expiration date and it expired two days ago!

(People from the popcorn company just stocked and rotated all their products the previous morning, so there was no way there were any expired products on the shelves, but I decided to humor her.)

Me: Oh, I’m sorry about that, ma’am. If you bring in the rest of the popcorn in the bag and your receipt, we may be able to exchange it for you.

Customer: Oh, that won’t be necessary. I’m leaving tonight. But I don’t want to get sick while I’m gone! If food poisoning from this expired popcorn ruins my vacation, I’m going to be very upset! You all really need to pay attention to your stock! [click]

I wonder if she knows that you can’t get food poisoning from processed popcorn?