(We adopted a new puppy who is having trouble potty training. I am reading a book while the puppy is happily chewing on a toy. Mom comes home from work.)

Mom: So, did the puppy have any accidents?

Me: Only one, if you can believe it.

Mom: Did you clean it up?

(I don’t think she’s serious, so I look up to make sure. She is serious.)

Me: …*returns to book* No, I decided to let it stink up the house.

Mom: What?! Why would you-*pauses*

Me: *grins*

Mom: …smarta**!

Me: Love you too!

Puppy: *pees*

Mom and Me: F***!

(I need to buy a new speaker system because mine has just died. I have a disability which means I can hear but not speak, which makes some things rather difficult, so I order a set of speakers online for customer pick up. Normally the whole process from online order to pick up from his company takes about two hours. However, this time I get a form email that says my order has been declined for security reasons and to email them if there’s a mistake. The following occurs by email:)

Me: Hi, can you please tell me why more order was declined, and since you’ve taken the money from my account, when I can expect that back?

Them: We tried to call you and we couldn’t reach you to confirm your order. I processed a refund for you just now so you should have your money back within 24 hours, maybe. You’re welcome to buy in-store when that happens.

(At this point, I checked my phone and I had one missed call from a private number and no messages)

Me: That’s strange, I didn’t get any calls or messages from you at all. If you’re calling from a private number and don’t leave a message, I have no way at all to know you’re trying to contact me. Since I can’t talk to answer the phone anyway, does that mean I can’t order from you any more? Also, I prefer to order online because since I can’t talk, it’s very difficult to communicate with staff in store because it’s loud and busy and they’re not always able to take the time.

Them: We tried to call you several times and I called you personally and you didn’t answer! We deliver, so you don’t have to go to the store. And I canceled your order and processed a refund, so you should have your money back within 24 hours, but it actually depends on the bank.

Me: But… I told you I can’t talk, and I emailed you, and you chose to try to call again instead of just emailing back before you decided to cancel the order. You know what? I’m just going to buy from someone else.

(Goodness knows what speech-abled people do if they can’t take personal calls during business hours. But I did find better speakers elsewhere, although I had to pay more and wait for a courier to deliver them. Unfortunately, that meant I couldn’t do my daily therapy exercises, which involve me copying exercises from a DVD!)

(I am helping out at a haunted house on Halloween. Near the front there is a light-display orb designed to be touched. Most people try to touch it. My job is to wear a monster glove and surprise people when they come up. Usually I just run the gloved hand over the orb and say “don’t touch the orb” in a creepy voice. There is really nothing wrong with touching it though)

Child: Look mommy! (She begins playing with the orb)

Me: Don’t touch the orb!

Parent: How dare you! My child was just trying to play with it! Let her touch it!

(note: I am quite young at the time of this story, and scared to stand up to a grown-up, so I say nothing, and they move on. A little later, a group of teens come over)

Me: Don’t touch the orb!

(At this point the teen grabs the glove off of my hand, and shows it to her friends) Teen #1: Ha, look! It’s just a glove! (She is very pleased with herself for defeating the illusion)

Me: Please give it back. I don’t want you to ruin it for the younger children, and I also don’t want you to steal my glove.

Teen #2: Gosh, you don’t have to be so pushy. It’s just a glove.

(They give it back and leave)

(I have a friend who is from India, who often makes jokes about his ethnicity and emphasizes that others are allowed to as well, as far as he is concerned. My white friends and I usually don’t take advantage of this, but…)

(I hand the Indian friend a box of his favorite candies, which are caramel-based and extremely sticky.)

Me: “Your teeth are about to have to wage a war with these [candies], and you can’t rely on your fiery Indian blood to help you, because these things are as brown as you are.”

Me: *bites lip*

Other friends: *holds breath*

Indian friend: *cracks up*

(My mom works at a bus yard. Both brothers and I are homeschooled, so sometimes my mom had to take us to work. One time, one of my mom’s friends toke my baby brother off her hands for a day.)

-My little brother runs up to my mom, hugging her-

Mom: Hi buddy! What do you have there?

Baby Brother: A piggy! -holds out a small stuffed pig-

(soon enough, some of my mom’s coworkers come though the small hallway, and my baby brother runs up to one of them)

Baby Brother:Look at my pig!

Coworker:That’s very nice little guy -as he tried to get past him, my baby brother got in his way again-

Baby Brother:You can pet him if you want!

coworker:No thank you buddy-again he tries to get past and my brother got in his way a third time-

Baby Brother:-who all of a sudden gets a very serious face- Pet my pig.

-My mom’s coworker, who seemed startled at the 4 foot tall eight year old, pat the pig on the head-

Baby Brother: I said pet him.

Mom:[little brother’s name], he does not need to pet your pig!

-Me and my other brother are cracking up in the corner-

Coworker:No, it’s ok.-pets it on the head-

(this continued for the next half hour, every time my baby brother saw someone he did the same thing. We still tease him for it, he now has a “family” of pigs.)