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Unfiltered Story #56725

Unfiltered | February 8, 2016

(I’m out with friends doing grocery shopping for a party that night. They’re headed to the liquor store for alcohol, but I don’t drink, so I just tell them I’ll wait at the car. I’m feeling pretty carsick, so I get out of the vehicle and sit on the bonnet, trying not to throw up and generally looking pretty green. It takes about fifteen minutes for my stomach to settle, by which time I realise that the others should really be done by now, and I’m just about to go check on them when they come out of the store, visibly irritated. One of them is laughing.)

Me: Hey guys, everything okay?

Her: Yeah, just the register chick is a f***ing idiot.

Me: *sensing entertainment* What happened?

Her: Okay, so I get the beer, and the stuff for the shots that (friend) wanted, when I noticed they’re doing a two for one sale on rum, and you know (name) was talking about doing something with rum on the weekend, so I call her to see if she wants to go halvsies. So I’m standing there on my phone while (name) hems and haws over the rum, and just as she decides no and hangs up this cashier chick comes over to me and says, “You know, you should tell your friend, that if you’re buying for an underager, they really shouldn’t wait outside the store.”

Me: *baffled* What?

Her: I know! I was like “What? We’re not buying for anyone,” and she was like, “I can see her outside waiting by your car. I’m just saying, if you’re buying for an underager, you shouldn’t make it so obvious.” She meant you.

(My jaw drops. We’re all legal, but I’m actually the oldest of the group, and definitely don’t look young for my age – in fact I’m usually mistaken for being five to ten years older.)

Me: You’re joking.

Her: Nope! We went back and forth for like ten minutes before I gave up.

Me: Oh my god! Now I wish I’d actually gone in to see what was taking so long so they could ID me! I’d have killed to see the look on her face! Wait, isn’t it illegal to sell if you think they’re buying for someone underage? They should have just come out and ID’d me.

Her: I know. Would have saved a lot of time, anyway!

Unfiltered Story #67090

Unfiltered | February 8, 2016

(Our cinema closes the concessions stand to customers once the last film of the night’s main feature begins, I’m stocking up in front of the counter when a man and his two daughters come up hoping to buy a snack, it’s a Sunday, so the last film is not very late and thus children can go to it)

Colleague: I’m sorry sir the stand is closed.

Father: Really?

Colleague: Yes sir, the tills were taken up by our manager half an hour ago. We can’t process any payments at all and we’re cleaning and prepping the stand for tomorrow right now.

Father: All right then (begins to make his way towards the screens again)

Daughter: Why are they closing up now?

Me: Because the vast majority of our sales are before someone’s film starts, and if we waited for everyone to leave, we would go home between 2 and 6 in the morning. That’s a very long shift and we would like to go home and sleep before we get that late.

Daughter: Oh…

Unfiltered Story #28003

Unfiltered | February 8, 2016

(It’s lunch time and my best friend is playing cards against humanity (a game I’ve never played due to its offensive nature) with three other of our friends on her laptop. Then the black card is chosen…Note: Friend 2 is playing along with my best friend and is sitting right next to her with the screen turned away and friend 3 is watching. Friend 4 is in the schools computer labdirecly connected to the lunch room.)

Black Card: That’s right, I Killed ________. You know how? ________.

My Best Friends White Cards: Han Solo. Hipsters.

(Then she hits enter. Not 5 seconds later…)

Friends 2 and 3: That is NOT ok!

Friend 4 (Still in the computer lab): Too Soon!

(My best friend and I busted up laughing…she won the round.)

Unfiltered Story #28002

Unfiltered | February 7, 2016

(My husband and I are both Gluten intolerant and a family friend is coming to stay for the night as everyone else’s houses were full. It was the last day of the week of a particular festival in town where I avoid going out as much as I can and therefore we didn’t have much food in the house.)

Me: So did you want a coffee this morning?

Friend: Hm no thank you, you don’t look like you have much milk left for my cereal.

Me: Well we are having leftovers for breakfast you are welcome to them. I apologise I don’t have much else.

Friend: Oh well I bought bread and peanut butter I can just have toast. May I borrow your toaster?

Me:(turning to husband) Hey do we actually own a toaster.. I don’t think we do…

Friend: you don’t own a toaster.. WHO DOSNT OWN A TOASTER!!!

Me & Husband: We cant eat bread, why would we own one?

friend: I spose.. But how am I going to make toast?

Me: We have a griller.

Unfiltered Story #32268

Unfiltered | February 7, 2016

About two years ago, as part of the yearly sex education month, the school invited a woman to talk about the relative basics of safe sex. There is a lot of background chatter. The woman had just finished talking about the vagina.

The Woman: Can you guess what’s next?

The room suddenly grows quiet, which I hadn’t guessed would happen.

Me: The peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.

Yes, everybody could hear that.