(I work customer service at a chain grocery store. We have a policy of no returns over $10 without a receipt.)

Customer: I’m a caterer and I bought this stuff and now I don’t need it.

Me: Do you have your receipt?

Customer: No.

(I begin checking the prices, even though I know it will be well over the $10 limit. She ends up with nearly $40 worth of merchandise.)

Me: I’m afraid I have to have a receipt for any amount over $10.

Customer: Let me talk to a manager.

(Up to this point, the customer has been very polite. I call my manager and she tells him she wants to return the items. I tell him the total for the items.)

Manager: We can’t refund these items without a receipt.

Customer: I bought them from here. These are YOUR products.

Me: (picking up one of her items) Ma’am, this is a national brand, not our brand.

Customer: I don’t care! I bought it from this store!

Manager: Did you use your loyalty card and remember the date of purchase? If so we can pull your receipt.

(At this point, the customer is becoming increasingly irate.)

Customer: I don’t always use it! You need to give me my money if I want to return this stuff!

Manager: Sorry. Without a receipt, we can’t refund it.

Customer: FINE!

(My manager goes to assist another customer.)

Customer: I bought this stuff here, I should be able to return it.

Me: Not without a receipt, I’m afraid.

Customer: That’s stupid.

Me: My manager’s word is final.

Customer: To hell with his word! And anybody else’s word! To hell with your word! To hell with you!

(Customer storms out. Next customer walks up and places some tomatoes on my counter.)

Customer #2: These were accidentally left out of my bag yesterday. And I have MY receipt.

I work at a small Dry Cleaners on the east end of Long Island. Today a fairly regular customer came in to drop off some shirts for cleaning and complained to the owner about a shirt that he had gotten back from us previously that had been cleaned. He’s clearly agitated.

Customer: I didn’t get enough starch on my shirt last time!

Owner: It says you asked for medium starch in our computer.

Customer: it’s supposed to be heavy starch!

Owner: Okay, I will put in the shirts you are dropping off now for heavy starch.

The owner prints out a ticket showing how many shirts he dropped off, the date they will be ready, and the price. She hands it to the customer.

Customer: (Examines the ticket) This time it’s $2.00 a shirt! Last time you charged me $3.75!

The owner explains that normally cotton shirts get sent to a laundry service at a discount. Shirts made of other materials such as rayon are done on-site for $3.75 each.

Owner: I’m sorry for the confusion. Do you remember who helped you last time?

Customer: Tits.

Owner: What?

Customer: Tits! That’s what I call her. She helped me last time.

The owner and I are too stunned to react. We’ve had plenty of rude customers but none of them as rude and as sexist as this older man who refers to large-chested women as “Tits” instead of their actual names.

(I work drive thru during the night shift at a fairly busy fast food chain. At 10pm our dinning room closes and drive thru is open until 12am)

*Drive thru beeps around 11:55pm*

Me: Thank you for choosing (name of place) my name is (my name) how may I help you?

Customer: *with attitude* can you just hold on one moment?

Me: Yeah! Just let me know whenever you’re ready

*two minutes pass*

Me: Can I help you find anything?

Customer: I’m ready I’ve just been waiting on you

Me: Oh, my apologies. Go ahead

*customer then orders three sandwiches, four free water cups and pulls away before I can give him his total*

Me: *opens window* that will be $6.87

Customer: NO! I asked for FREE water. F R E E

Me: yes and you were not charged for the water, the food cost $6.87

Customer: why does it cost so much then?

(at this point my manger is standing near me prepping to close and doing his counts)

Me: the sandwiches are $2.29 and you ordered three, correct?

Customer: NO NO NO! The menu said $1.99!

Me: Yes, thats the price without cheese, you wanted to add cheese which is thirty cents per sandwich.

Customer: Whatever I’ll pay for the stupid cheese

(At this point I’m thinking “well yeah, you want cheese you have to pay for it? Thats how it works” but I just cash him out with a smile and hand him his food. At this point it is 12am and we are closed)

(Not even five minutes later the drive thru beeps)

Me: I’m sorry, we are now closed and can no longer serv-

Customer from before: I WAS JUST HERE AND I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A F***ING MANAGER

(My manager then takes over the drive thru headset)

Manger: How can I help you?

Customer: That B*TCH forgot my fries and cookies

(Manger pulls up the order on the screen)

Manager: Sir, you were not charged for fries or cookies. Just three sandwiches

Customer: I demand to have my fries and cookies!

Manager: Since you were not charged and since we are now closed, I can not give you either of those items

Customer: Well f*ck you and that dumb b*tch. I want my food. I WILL be back *he then drives away from the speaker*

(I walk to the back to put away my headset and when I went back to the front I caught the guy taking apart his food and throwing it at the window. At that point all I could do was lock the window and laugh)

(An unusually bad lightening storm knocked out the power for a few minutes. It’s back on at this point, but I have to completely shut down and restart my oven, which takes about forty-five minutes)
Me: Hi! What can I get for you?
Customer: I’d like a small hot coffee and a cheese croissant, please.
Me: Sure! Unfortunately, I won’t be able to toast your croissant. My oven is still rebooting from the power outage earlier.
Customer: That’s a bummer! Could you warm up a chocolate croissant, instead?
Me: No, I’m afraid I can’t. My oven won’t be available for about fifteen more minutes.
Customer: Oh no! Can you do a plain croissant?
Me: I can do any croissant cold, but I can’t toast anything. (I’m trying to smile apologetically, but I’m also getting tired of repeating myself and now I have a line.)
Customer: Oh, alright! I’ll just have a small hot coffee, please! (I give him his order and he leaves.)
Customer 2: I thought he was never gonna get it!

I worked as manager for a company providing reporting help to Fortune 500 companies.

We had a client complain that a report was never completing, when it worked fine before. I had them sent me the code. After looking at it, we called them.

Me: About this report you are doing, it is impossible. The logic is flawed. It won’t give you good answers.

Them: But it did!

Me: You are just joining every record in one table to an unrelated table, you will get bad answers! Do you want us to re-write this for you?

Them: No!! We like this report!! Just make it work!

Me: Well, you may have to get your DBA to make system diagnosis reports and system changes so you can run it.

DBA: I don’t know how to.

Despite my policy of never logging into a customer’s computer, the founder of the company(!!) had to log in and try to make their computer effient enough to run this crazy report. I don’t think he ever did.