(The owner is very rich. He just spent over a million dollars renovating one of his hotels. The hotel looks very nice. Everything is going fine, until…the fire alarms and sprinklers start going off!)

Me: “Oh no! What’s going on?!”

Coworker: *checking the alarm panel* “Fire!”

(We evacuated everyone all 300 guests just in case, and the fire department was automatically called, as was the owner. Turns out some guest was messing with the sprinklers, setting them off, and causing thousands of dollars worth of damage. The owner was NOT HAPPY to see his beautiful brand new hotel ruined, and sued the guest! The guest wrote a complaint…not sure what ever became of it, since I quit shortly afterwards. So, yeah, be careful if you’re ever staying at a hotel.)

(An owner comes in with a cat that has been trowing up now and then for a month or so)

Vet: So, when does he trow up?

Owner: Well, he is fine during the week, but he seems to trow up a lot in the weekend.

Vet: What kind of food do you give him? Is there something you´re giving him before he trows up?

Owner: Oh, I only give him dry cat food. But in the weekend he gets wet food.

Vet: *gives the owner a ¨think about what you just said¨-look*

Owner: Oooooh, right.. I should probably stop giving him wet food.

(I work at a hobby shop that sells board games, card games, and also sells airsoft guns and equipment. We recently added a TV with various consoles so customers could come in and play competitive games. On slow days, I’m allowed to play games to pass the time. We also run an airsoft field nearby and host games every Saturday.)
(Customers come in.)
Me: Welcome to [hobby store], what can I do for you today?
Customer 1: Fine thank you.
(I’m used to no one listening to me when I greet them so I just smile.)
Customer 2: Just going to get ammo and head to the field.
Me: Would you like to pay for your pass here?
Customer 2: A what?
Me: A field pass.
Customer 2: How much is that?
Me: $10
Customer 2: What do I do with that?
Me: (Thinking I had misheard them about going to our the field I suddenly feel embarrassed for asking) It’s a… pass, to play on our… field?
Customer 2: OH! A /field/ pass. Like the field fee? Yes I’ll pay for it here. I always just pay when I get there.
Customer 1: (Stops looking at merchandise) I can do that here? I’ll pay for mine too!
Me: (after the transactions are complete) Thank you, have a good game!
Customer 1: You too! (They both leave)
Me: He didn’t hear me that time either? (I look over at the TV and game console.) Oh will have a good game too. Ha!

Customer: I need copies done.

Me: OK, do you to do them yourself or do you want me to do them?

Customer: Oh you can do them. Is there a difference?

Me: Yes, there’s a three dollar fee for me to do it.

Customer: Oh then I’ll do it.

Me: Ok. (I explain to her where the self serve copiers are and how you pay)

Customer: I don’t know how it works, though.

Me: Ok, I can show you.

(I take her to the self serve copiers and get her started, explaining as I go)

Customer: You realize that when I come back to do this again in 6 months, I won’t remember any of this.

Me: oh, well that’s why we have our full serve option.

Customer: That’s ridiculous, I’m not paying three extra dollars for you to do it for me. Who even agrees to that?

Me: Actually, a lot of people are more than willing to pay a little more for the ease and convenience. If you don’t want to use full serve in the future you think you won’t remember any of this, and say you needed help again but we were all busy and couldn’t help you right away and you didn’t have time to wait… um, you could write this down?

Customer: (sarcastically) Oh. Sure. Of course. If that’s what you want your customers to do.

Me: It was just a suggestion. If you insist on using the self-serve, we can always come help you, but only when we’re not busy with full-serve customers.

Customer: I know it was just a suggestion! But I think it’s ridiculous that you make us pay extra for full-serve!

(I just shrug)

Customer: I want you to tell your manager that I think this is ridiculous.

Me: I can call my manager over for you.

Customer: No. You can tell your manager that I’m appalled by this.

Me: That won’t —

Customer: (cutting me off) I know you telling your manager won’t do anything! But it’s still ridiculous! As if you’re charging customers a fee for full-serve!

(I just shrug.)

This take place at the yacht club bar I work at. This story did not happen to me but I was present for the whole interaction. The club member is having a few drinks with some fellow members . When his drink runs dry.

Member 1: I need a refill but do let one of the f**s touch my glass.

Member 2: You know ( coworker name ) is gay right.

Member 1 to co-worker :Your not gay right.

While my cowrker is makeing the drink with a straight face and a quick wit.

Co-worker: Me no but my boyfriend is.

The member takes his drink and slinks away to a far corner table by himself. Meanwhile all of the wait staff and kitchen staff here hear the whole conversation myself included. We all have to go outside to stop from being to load from all the laughing.