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Unfiltered Story #27974

Unfiltered | January 10, 2016

(I’ve stayed in touch with my freshman college roommate and am good friends with her and her now husband; both of them are people of science. At the time of this story, they are officially engaged.)

Me: (on the phone) I saw a story on NotAlwaysRomantic that was totally you and (Husband’s Name).

Her: Oh?

Me: Yeah; it was about a guy who somehow accidentally set a waterfall on fire at work and his wife not wanting to know how he did. Except if it was you and (Husband’s Name), he’d have done it on purpose, he’d know exactly how he did it and you’d want to know how he did it.

Her: (laughing) Yeah; that’s us.

(They have interesting plans about teaching their kids; something involving dissection I think.)

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Unfiltered Story #47671

Unfiltered | January 10, 2016

(I’m working two jobs and have stopped by my parents’ between shifts. My father pulls into the driveway just as I’m walking out the door.)

Dad: Hi. You finally got a day off?

Me: Nope. I got off (job 1) early, I just came to say ‘hi’ before I go into (job 2).

Dad: Well, why don’t you stick around?

Me: My shift starts in 15 minutes, so I have to leave now or I’ll be late.

Dad: C’mon have dinner with us.

Me: …uhm, I just got finished eating before work.

Dad: It’s barely 4:30, why would you eat this early?!

Me: Because! I START WORK AT FIVE!

Dad: Oh! I didn’t know you had to work.

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Unfiltered Story #67060

Unfiltered | January 9, 2016

Customer: ‘Do you know where the seafood sauce is’

Me: ‘Yeah, it’s over here by the freezers’

Customer: ‘It isn’t frozen’

Me: ‘No, but it is on a shelf above the freezers’

Customer: ‘Oh’

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Unfiltered Story #56695

Unfiltered | January 9, 2016

(My manager and I are chatting one morning while business is slow.)

Me: “You ever think about how fads seem really stupid after they’re over?”

Manager: “Hmmm?”

Me: “Well, think about some of the stuff that was popular in the 90s. Slap bracelets, pogs, talking like a surfer while not actually BEING a surfer?” (making vomit sounds)

Manager: “I’ll have you know I had a huge collection of pogs.”

Me: “And don’t even get me started on boy bands.”

Manager: “You mean you didn’t like [boy band] and [other boy band]?”

Me: “About as much as I like being eaten alive by sharks. Although [boy band member] did go to my high school.”

Manager: “You met him?!”

Me: “No, he graduated before I started there. Although his class did have their own senior sidewalk and he had a square in it. I used to spit on it as I walked by.”

Manager: “How could you do that?! That’s like spitting on the Cross, or like spitting on a kitten! You wouldn’t spit on a kitten, would you?”

Me: “I might if I could have [boy band member] put to sleep at the vet’s. I’d just be like, ‘This is for poisoning our culture with your terrible music, jerkbag!'”

Manager: “You are awful.”

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Unfiltered Story #27973

Unfiltered | January 9, 2016

(My family (as well as my best friend and a few of my brothers’ friends) are playing a game where we have to write stuff down. It’s my turn and I have miscounted and have missed my mom so I asked to make sure. Note: for the past few minutes we had been bursting into random song lines including let it go.)

Me: Is everyone done.

Mom: No! I’m still writing.

Me: *Singing the line from let it go correctly as it sounds* I don’t care!

Best Friend: *In the tune of a completely different song* I love it!

(Then we looked at eachother and burst out laughing.)

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