(On this night I was the acting supervisor. One of our part-time employees came in with her brother and started browsing around. The part-timer is a very awkward and shy girl, but also very sweet. They’re both about seventeen. This all happens in a full store.)

Brother: *to his sister* Find me these games NOW.

Sister: I’m not working right now, so I don’t have to do that. I’m looking for my own stuff. Just go through alphabetically, it’s not hard.

Brother: NO. Mom and Dad told you to take me here and help me, so you WILL find this for me NOW.

Sister: You need to calm down, you’re causing a scene.

Brother: *yelling so loud the whole store can hear him* You’re causing a f****** scene because you won’t do your job! You need to find this for me now or I’m telling Mom and Dad that you’re being a b**** again!

(The girl looks really upset and all the patrons in the store look very uncomfortable. I excuse myself from my current customers and walk over to them.)

Me: *to brother* I need you to calm down or leave the store.

Sister: *laughing* Yeah, bro, you’re in serious trouble alright!

Me: I’m serious. He is causing a scene and making people uncomfortable. As an employee of this store you should know this behavior is unacceptable.

(The brother looks pale as a ghost and starts to walk away, but not before shoving his sister hard and giving one last parting shot:)

Brother: Look what you f****** did. I’m telling Mom and Dad how much of a c*** you are. Not like they don’t already know. We all wish you were dead already.

(With this he walks out of the store, and I go back to my customers. A little later the girl comes up to check out, clearly shaken.)

Sister: Please don’t ban my brother. He was only joking around.

Me: [Sister], I’m not stupid. I know when people are joking, and he wasn’t. You can let your brother know he’s banned from the store. If there is any backlash because of this, please give my name to your parents and have them call me. I will let them know you did nothing wrong, and he is entirely responsible for his actions.

Sister: I understand. Am I in trouble?

Me: Of course not! As I said, you didn’t do anything wrong, and you’re off the clock. You’re fine. Would you like me to call your parents and speak to them personally?

Sister: No, I’ll handle everything.

(She seemed really scared, but left without another word. As time went on I could tell things were a bit off with her. She seemed more distracted as time went on, and always seemed scared to say or do something wrong. She left not long after. I still wonder what happened to her, and regret that night. At the time I felt like I was doing the right thing, but now I wonder if I should have handled things differently to make things easier on her. I just hope that she’s doing better and has gotten away from her horrible brother.)

I work nights in a nursing home’s dementia unit, and one of my duties is to encourage wandering residents to go back to bed and, in most cases, leading them to their beds and tucking them in. I am currently trying to convince one of our wanderers to lay down in her bed.
Me: You go on and go to sleep so you can have lots of good dreams!
Resident: Oh, I’ll try, but sometimes you can’t! *leans forward* And when you don’t get enough you go HEUGH HEUGH HEUGH *in a very deep voice*
The resident then laid down and went to sleep as if everything she had said was normal.

(This story takes place a few years ago, about a month after my mother passed away. Safe to say I am not in any good state of mind, and am only thankful that my father – who lives upstate for work and comes back down on weekends/holidays – has stepped up and taken the burden of handling most of the paperwork. My half-brother and I only have to sign our end of things for the inheritance. At the time, my car was also covered by the family insurance plan, which my dad said he was going to let run out and then we’d need new ones; considering we went from a 4 car family to three single-car households that makes sense.

In the middle of all this, on the first day of the new month, I notice my inspection was due the previous month. Silently praying to just get to the DMV without getting pulled over, I plot the shortest trip I can and drive as carefully as I can. Unfortunately, I still get pulled over.)

Officer: License, insurance, registration please.

Me: Of course. *hands him the stack I already have together*

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over today?

Me: I’m assuming it’s because of this inspection sticker? I was just on the way to get it renewed.

Officer: You know you can get it done up to three months before the due date, right?

Me: Actually, I didn’t, I thought it had to be the same month; unfortunately my mom just died, and with everything else going on this slipped my mind.

Officer: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll be right back.

(He goes back to his car, and I wait. Several minutes later, he returns.)

Officer: Sir, did you know this insurance isn’t valid?

Me: Do what now?

(Yes, I was so flabbergasted I defaulted to one of my joke phrases with a cop that had me pulled over. Seems that some time in the previous two weeks since my dad said he was going to LET the insurance expire in a couple months, he changed his mind and just canceled it. And forgot to tell me/my brother. I literally started crying in the car; fortunately the officer let me off with a warning when he had every legal right to take my license from me then and there. I turned around home, got one of those “instant proof of insurance” deals that were actually still new at the time, got that printed, and went right back to get my car inspected.)

(A customer walks into the store where I was working. It was my second week working here and still pretty nervous. Most of this I can’t remember what happened due to something happening. The following occurred. )

Me: Hi, how can I help you?
Customer: *rattles off long order* And hurry up!
Me: Okay, that will come to $**.** and will be ready in 15 minu-
Customer: How the f*** does that come to that amount you f****** robber!
Me: *taken back by this* Um, they are $12.95 and by adding the half and half to your order that increases the amount.
Customer: What will it be if I just get one of them!?
Me: Okay, that will be $15.95 is-
Customer: You f****** robber stupid c*** sucker! Is there no respect for the badge anymore!?!
Me: I don’t understand what you are saying, sir.
Customer: *Screams* Just f****** die you stupid b****
*Customer then throws a menu at me and then grabs a glass bottle out of his jacket’s pocket and throws it at my face. It shatters and cuts my face up bad. Luckily, missing my eye with no damage to it. It was thrown hard enough to make me dazed and fall backward, I then passed out. I woke up later and couldn’t remember the ordeal. If you must know the customer got 7 years in Jail for the act and is still in there today as of writing this.

I have Tourrettes syndrome. Most of the time I get a lot of the same responses to my twitches, but if you say something original, I will generally let you have it. Here are some of my favorites.

#1. Me: “Yip, yip!”
Them: *starts frantically patting their pockets* “Oh s***, where are my car keys?!”

#2. Me: *inhales deeply and throws my head back*
Them: “Oh lord, she is possessed by the devil! *makes a finger cross* The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!”

#3. Me: *throwing my head back repeatedly* “Yup, yup!”
Them: See, she agrees with me!”

#4. Me: “Saw!”
Them: “Saw dude!”

#5. Me: “Ya, ya”
Them: “YA, YA!” *starts doing terrible dance moves to nonexistiting music*

#6. Me: “Ya, ya… Oorah!”
Them: “What are you a Marine now?”

#7. Me: *clicking repeatedly*
Them: “Sorry, I do not understand Morse code.”

#8. Me: “Beep, beep!”
Them: “Are you a car now?”