I work as a service advisor at car dealership. A customer comes in and throws his keys at me.

Customer: “I need an oil change. Conventional oil.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, we only do full synthetic here.”

Customer: “Just do your f****** job. Also, I’m not waiting an hour, I want it done in less than thirty minutes!”

Me: “Okay. I just need some information from you and a quick signature.”

Customer: “F*** no. I’m gonna have a seat and I’ll be back here in thirty minutes to get my god-d*** keys!”

Thirty-two minutes later.

Me: “Okay, your vehicle is all done. I can walk you to the cashier. Just sign here and I’ll have you on your way.”

Customer: “What the f****?! This is too expensive! And you took almost two hours! They do it for half the price down the street! Fix it!”

Me: “I can discount 10%. That’s as much as I can do for you today.”

Customer: *Smiles as if he’s won.* “Yeah, you better!”

The customer leaves. Two hours later he walks in and throws an oil filled rag at me, dirtying my blouse.

Customer: “You stupid b****! You stole my money and didn’t even change my oil! It’s fucking black! You give me back my f****** money!”

Me: “It is normal for diesel motor oil to turn black quickly. The dark color is a sign that the oil is performing correctly by keeping byproducts of the combustion process in suspension.”

Customer continued to yell and eventually got his FULL refund and a FREE oil change… and didn’t even get banned for throwing oil at me.

Our house was located directly across the street from the parking lot driveway of a small liberal arts college dormitory–the back of the building.

Late one Saturday night/early Sunday AM, we heard a car alarm go off, sounded like right outside. Since it was spring, heading into summer and close to graduation, we had windows open–no air conditioning, which made the alarm seem like it was located practically under the bed. It shut itself off quickly, and other than a quick look outside, we figured “not our problem” and went back to sleep.

Car alarm went off again about 6 AM, and then, again and again, more and more frequently. This, as you may well guess, started to p*ss us off. We went outside to see what we could figure out.

We isolated the problem to a vehicle parked illegally in the yellow zone curb area by that driveway, and quickly figured out that the problem was 1) a car alarm set too sensitively and 2) increasing traffic on the street. Any time a car went by or turned into the driveway, the alarm went off.

Out of state plates, parked on a campus curb close to a dorm, we figured “student car,” SO we called campus security and gave them the plate number. Unfortunately, the car wasn’t registered as a student vehicle (common students who didn’t want to pay the yearly campus parking fee). Campus Security couldn’t do anything about it.

SO, we called the town PD. We gave them the plate number, told them that the car was, indeed, parked illegally, and they sent an officer to take a look. While the officer was there, the alarm was set off at least four times.

The officer wouldn’t even write the vehicle a ticket as a *courtesy* to Campus Security, even though the curb and street were city jurisdiction.

All day long, that d*mned alarm went off, any time a car drove past. At some point during the day, we composed a short and nasty note to place under the wiper blades, and decided it was time to go do something somewhere other than home for the afternoon. Mercifully, when we got back home, the offending car had been moved.

(I work in a funeral home and was once working the funeral of a woman who unfortunately passed away young. Her family and friends were all around at the visitation and it was a pretty somber atmosphere. The woman was apparently a rugby player and she was lying in the open casket wearing a rugby uniform. Her rugby cleats are by the flower and her portrait by the casket).

Young kid, probably a cousin or something: “I’m going to go say bye to *name of deceased*”

(The kid weaves through the crowd towards the open casket and looks at the deceased woman for a while. While no one is really looking for a second I see him lift the satin sheet on the lid up and look under the lower lid. He marches with a great deal of intent towards the cleats and takes them.)

His (mortified) Mother under her breath: “Put those back THIS INSTANT.”

Kid, in a normal voice: “*name of deceased* is barefoot, she needs to have the rugby cleats on, I can put them in.”

Mother: “We talked about this, she’s barefoot so she can be comfy resting in the nice casket.”

Kid: “We got her Spongebob pajamas for her birthday and she told you she can’t sleep except naked, remember?”

(By now people are staring. You’ll never know what people remember you telling them.)

(The hotel I work in has us put our hometowns on our name tags for whatever reason. I am originally from about 1500 miles away. Guests who notice usually comment, but I’ve come up with a nice short answer, given that the question is almost always phrased the same way.)
Guest: Are you really from Connecticut?
Me: Yep!
Guest: How did you get to Oklahoma!?
Me: I drove.
(At least it gets a laugh!)

(Whenever I’m even slightly tired I start to do some really weird things as if my brain thinks I’m living in a weird alternate universe where it’s normal. Here are some of those stories.)
Me: *picks up lunchbox*
Friend: *can’t see his own lunchbox, even though it’s right in front of him*
Me: *thinks* Is he momentarily blind?
Me: *to [Friend]* Are you invisible?
(A different time:)
Me: *walks across room*
Me: *stands on round corner of a box*
Me: *instinctively jumps through the air* CACTUSES ARE COMING FOR OUR SOULS!
Me:*lands face – first on bed*
Friend: What’s wrong with you?!