(I work in a funeral home and was once working the funeral of a woman who unfortunately passed away young. Her family and friends were all around at the visitation and it was a pretty somber atmosphere. The woman was apparently a rugby player and she was lying in the open casket wearing a rugby uniform. Her rugby cleats are by the flower and her portrait by the casket).

Young kid, probably a cousin or something: “I’m going to go say bye to *name of deceased*”

(The kid weaves through the crowd towards the open casket and looks at the deceased woman for a while. While no one is really looking for a second I see him lift the satin sheet on the lid up and look under the lower lid. He marches with a great deal of intent towards the cleats and takes them.)

His (mortified) Mother under her breath: “Put those back THIS INSTANT.”

Kid, in a normal voice: “*name of deceased* is barefoot, she needs to have the rugby cleats on, I can put them in.”

Mother: “We talked about this, she’s barefoot so she can be comfy resting in the nice casket.”

Kid: “We got her Spongebob pajamas for her birthday and she told you she can’t sleep except naked, remember?”

(By now people are staring. You’ll never know what people remember you telling them.)

(The hotel I work in has us put our hometowns on our name tags for whatever reason. I am originally from about 1500 miles away. Guests who notice usually comment, but I’ve come up with a nice short answer, given that the question is almost always phrased the same way.)
Guest: Are you really from Connecticut?
Me: Yep!
Guest: How did you get to Oklahoma!?
Me: I drove.
(At least it gets a laugh!)

(Whenever I’m even slightly tired I start to do some really weird things as if my brain thinks I’m living in a weird alternate universe where it’s normal. Here are some of those stories.)
Me: *picks up lunchbox*
Friend: *can’t see his own lunchbox, even though it’s right in front of him*
Me: *thinks* Is he momentarily blind?
Me: *to [Friend]* Are you invisible?
(A different time:)
Me: *walks across room*
Me: *stands on round corner of a box*
Me: *instinctively jumps through the air* CACTUSES ARE COMING FOR OUR SOULS!
Me:*lands face – first on bed*
Friend: What’s wrong with you?!

(On this night I was the acting supervisor. One of our part-time employees came in with her brother and started browsing around. The part-timer is a very awkward and shy girl, but also very sweet. They’re both about seventeen. This all happens in a full store.)

Brother: *to his sister* Find me these games NOW.

Sister: I’m not working right now, so I don’t have to do that. I’m looking for my own stuff. Just go through alphabetically, it’s not hard.

Brother: NO. Mom and Dad told you to take me here and help me, so you WILL find this for me NOW.

Sister: You need to calm down, you’re causing a scene.

Brother: *yelling so loud the whole store can hear him* You’re causing a f****** scene because you won’t do your job! You need to find this for me now or I’m telling Mom and Dad that you’re being a b**** again!

(The girl looks really upset and all the patrons in the store look very uncomfortable. I excuse myself from my current customers and walk over to them.)

Me: *to brother* I need you to calm down or leave the store.

Sister: *laughing* Yeah, bro, you’re in serious trouble alright!

Me: I’m serious. He is causing a scene and making people uncomfortable. As an employee of this store you should know this behavior is unacceptable.

(The brother looks pale as a ghost and starts to walk away, but not before shoving his sister hard and giving one last parting shot:)

Brother: Look what you f****** did. I’m telling Mom and Dad how much of a c*** you are. Not like they don’t already know. We all wish you were dead already.

(With this he walks out of the store, and I go back to my customers. A little later the girl comes up to check out, clearly shaken.)

Sister: Please don’t ban my brother. He was only joking around.

Me: [Sister], I’m not stupid. I know when people are joking, and he wasn’t. You can let your brother know he’s banned from the store. If there is any backlash because of this, please give my name to your parents and have them call me. I will let them know you did nothing wrong, and he is entirely responsible for his actions.

Sister: I understand. Am I in trouble?

Me: Of course not! As I said, you didn’t do anything wrong, and you’re off the clock. You’re fine. Would you like me to call your parents and speak to them personally?

Sister: No, I’ll handle everything.

(She seemed really scared, but left without another word. As time went on I could tell things were a bit off with her. She seemed more distracted as time went on, and always seemed scared to say or do something wrong. She left not long after. I still wonder what happened to her, and regret that night. At the time I felt like I was doing the right thing, but now I wonder if I should have handled things differently to make things easier on her. I just hope that she’s doing better and has gotten away from her horrible brother.)

I work nights in a nursing home’s dementia unit, and one of my duties is to encourage wandering residents to go back to bed and, in most cases, leading them to their beds and tucking them in. I am currently trying to convince one of our wanderers to lay down in her bed.
Me: You go on and go to sleep so you can have lots of good dreams!
Resident: Oh, I’ll try, but sometimes you can’t! *leans forward* And when you don’t get enough you go HEUGH HEUGH HEUGH *in a very deep voice*
The resident then laid down and went to sleep as if everything she had said was normal.