Unfiltered Story #67048

Unfiltered | December 28, 2015

(I work in the seasonal department of a well-known department store. I’m just about to start closing the register down for the night and it’s already past closing time. A man walks in who is obviously intoxicated.)

Me; Sir, I apologize. We are closed for the night. If there is something I can get for you, I can help you quick, but I’ll have to limit your browsing.

Customer: F*** you, b****! I done need the bathroom. A mans got to do his business.

Me: I apologize again, Sir, but we have no public restrooms in this store. Now, I’m going to have to ask you to please leave. I won’t tolerate your language directed to me.

Customer: But I have to go! Now!

(This man proceeds to stagger over to one of our faux Christmas tree displays.)

Screw it! Don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

(The customer pulls down his pants zipper and urinates on one of our trees and on our carpet. Not only is he acting completely inappropriate, he is also singing “Jingle Bells” very loudly. I have our security on the phone and shortly, two security officers are attempting to escort the customer of the sale floor.)

Customer: I warned the lady at the desk that I had to go! This is her fault! I’ll sue and take all of your jobs!

Me: Good luck with that, Sir.

Unfiltered Story #27961

Unfiltered | December 28, 2015

(My best friend and I are very close, we are in my room talking, attempting to speak French. I ask my dad a question)

Me: *In French* Dad! Do you speak French?

Dad: Yes! I so speak French! How about [best friends name]?

Me: *I look over and ask her if she speaks French*

Best Friend: …Oui Oui?

(My dad and I start cracking up and to this day, we still tease her about that!)

Unfiltered Story #56684

Unfiltered | December 28, 2015

*I am going through line at a popular retail chain, the cashier has had to repeat things for the woman in front of me several times. The other woman leaves and I move forward.*

Cashier: (heaving a big sigh) I am so glad you speak English. I’m so tired of repeating everything and not being understood. You know I get that it’s hard to learn a new language and all but it sure makes my job more difficult. (she goes on like this for a bit longer before I have a chance to say anything)

Me: (With my best apologetic look) No hablo Ingles.

Cashier: (with a shocked and exasperated expression) Seriously?

Me: (finally smiling) No.

(In reality English is the only language I know fluently and I’m pretty sure I used the wrong phrasing but it still scared her a bit)

Unfiltered Story #47659

Unfiltered | December 28, 2015

(I am trying to read a story to my three-year-old, who is waving around a plastic dinosaur.)

Me: Sweetheart, please put down the pterodactyl, it could poke someone in the eye. He can sit on the couch with us too.

Daughter: No he can’t, he hasn’t got a bottom!

Unfiltered Story #32231

Unfiltered | December 27, 2015

(I have just performed in my school’s Holiday concert, where me and a few select others sang ‘Santa Baby’, which was a big hit with the audience. I am at the reception after the concert, which is in the cafeteria. An old man is helping out, and is standing behind the table where I am getting food.)

Old man: Hey, good job tonight!

(I don’t know him, so I just assume its something he’s saying to everyone.)

Me: Thank you! (Becomes busy with the massive amounts of sweets in front of me.)

Old man: Santa baby, right?

Me: Yeah.

Old man: (Smiles)

Me…..

Me: (Piles my plate with cookies then leaves.)