“I work at a big box store as a cashier and this happened to me a few weeks ago when I was working in lumber area.”
Customer: Were are your welding supplies?
Me: They are two aisles over sir.
[A few minutes pass and the customer comes back with a sodering torch]
Customer: Excuse me where do you keep your glass sodering rods.
Me: Glass sodering rods?
Customer: Yeah you know the rods that you use to soder items together.
Me: I know what you are talking about, but they don’t make glass sodering rods. What did you need it for?
Customer: The stem on my bong broken I was trying to fix it.
Me: What did you say could you repeat that?
Customer: “repeats”
Me: Sir there is nothing I can recommend to you to fix your bong some super glue from aisle five might be able to do it.
Customer: OK I’ll go check it out.
[Never heard from again]

(So, I went over to this local mom-and-pa diner that I’m, basically, a regular of that serves mexican and american food to pick up my dinner. This diner has a rewards program that gave me a $5 discount to help pay for my food. When I got there, everything proceeded as normal until this silly moment happens as I was paying and using my discount. Now, keep in mind that to use the discount, an employee has to write down some information about me on a piece of paper (nothing too personal) and to see my smartphone that has the code to use the discount.)

Employee #1: *Writing down information* Now, what day is today? Wednesday?

Me: *Holding up my phone with discount code* Yeah. It’s Wednesday.

Employee #2: You dare question his phone?

Employee #1: I’m not questioning his phone; I’m questioning the day of the week.

*Everyone quiets down, but I decided to capitalize on what the second employee said as I hand over my money to pay.*

Me: *In a overly-dramatic voice* You dare question me?!

Employee #1: *Chuckles a little*

Employee #2: *In a joking tone* Am I going to have to report you?

Employee #1: *Still chuckling a little* No, especially not today.

Me: Tsk tsk tsk, looks like you’re in trouble, missy.

*Both of the employees have a quick laugh as I thank them, grab my food, and leave to enjoy my food at home. *

I used to work at a dollar store on the really bad side of town. One day a guy comes in with a really bad attitude. He eventually starts going off about how the customer is always right. I completely lose it and tell him to leave my register and leave the store. On another location, a lady told me she was never coming back to the store. I then gladly told her ” Good. Have a Great DAY.”

I work overnight at a midrange hotel, internationally known

*The phone rings w/ an outside call, I answer it…*

Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling [Name of hotel], this is [my name], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Can I use [Competitor]’s rewards card there?”

Me, “No, ma’am. That’s a different chain than us.’

Caller: “How would I find out where I can use this?”

Me (trying not to face plant or laugh): “There should be an 800 number on the card to call to ask, or calling their reservations number?”

Caller: “Really? Thanks!”

She hangs up. And it was so par for the course of the last week, I didn’t even get upset, but rather pass on the story of just how odd that people get when calling a hotel! My breakfast servers got a laugh out of her too!

(During college I worked as a front desk associate for a massage therapy clinic. We had very strict rules on professionalism because, as many people know, there are lot of weirdos who think they can walk into a legitimate spa, clinic, or chiro office and get a “happy ending”. Those people were the bane of my existence, but these were the two weirdest ones I witnessed.)

Customer #1:
(I’m in the office doing our weekly log paperwork, but I can see my coworker checking clients out at the desk. A new client who’d gotten the massage as a gift, presumably from his wife, finished his appointment and was checking out.)
Coworker: Hello sir! I hope you had a relaxing massage today!
Customer: (Looking disappointed) Yeah, it was okay.
Coworker: Oh? Was there something about the treatment that you didn’t have time for?
Customer: Well, she didn’t do everything.
(NOTE: His particular therapist was blind, she was very good but people sometimes questioned if she’d done *everything* they asked for because of her vision impairment)
Coworker: Could you be more specific? (Thinking he’d wanted more time on his back or something.)
Customer: (Starting to look upset) Well, why didn’t she do my private areas?
Coworker: Um…What?
(I stand up from the desk but don’t come out of the office yet.)
Customer: WHY didn’t she do my private areas?! (Motions towards his groin.)
Coworker: Because that’s ILLEGAL!
(I step out of the office to find my coworker glaring at him, and the man’s face turning bright red.)
Me: Thank you for visiting us today, sir. Please note that we are a professional treatment clinic, not a massage parlor.
(The guy handed over his gift card and fled the lobby.)
Coworker: Did he really think his wife bought him a “happy ending” massage??

Customer #2:
(With massage therapy, the “problem” customers are usually men, but that doesn’t mean you can’t encounter a woman who’s off her rocker as well. We had a newer therapist who was fresh out of massage school, he was around 25, handsome, and a really sweet guy. He was building up money to go back to school for physical therapy and wanted the massage experience to add to his repertoire. During his second month as a licensed therapist, we had a middle-aged husband and wife come in for massages.)
Me: I’m terribly sorry, but our couple’s massage room is booked all weekend. We can accommodate you in separate rooms if you like?
Husband: That’s fine, I really need this sore spot in my back worked. (To his wife.) That okay with you, hon?
Wife: Sure!
(We get their intake paperwork done and send them back for their massages. The husband requested a female therapist and the wife requested a male, so we put her with our new therapist since his schedule wasn’t as full as the others. Not even twenty minutes into their hour-long massages, the therapist comes back into the lobby, his face is bright red and he looks extremely uncomfortable.)
Therapist: Hey (my name), can I talk to you?
Me: Sure, what’s up?
Therapist: I don’t know how to say this but…she’s saying some inappropriate things in there.
Me: Inappropriate how?
Therapist: She’s…um…well…she’s trying to talk dirty to me!
Me: *speechless for a minute* Really?
Therapist: Yeah…
Me: What is she saying?
Therapist: I don’t even want to repeat it!
Me: It’s okay, what did you tell her?
Therapist: I told her I needed to come out for a different kind of massage lotion, but I don’t know what else to do!
Me: Didn’t they train you in school how to handle inappropriate clients?
Therapist: They told the women what to do! They just told the guys we probably wouldn’t have many problems.
Me: Well that’s just stupid. You go back in there and tell her if she can’t speak to you in a professional manner then you’ll have to terminate the session.
Therapist: *nods rapidly* Yeah, okay, I can do that. What if she freaks out?
Me: Let her freak out. I’ll handle it if she does.
(NOTE: I wouldn’t be allowed to tell the woman’s husband what went on, but I would be allowed to ban her from the clinic if she didn’t heed her first and only warning. He went back in there, and did the rest of the session, although he ended a few minutes earlier than he normally would. The woman got back to the lobby before her husband, and was actually SULKING in a chair while she waited for him. Her husband came out a few minutes later and they can up to the desk.)
Me: How were your massages today?
Husband: Great!
Wife: *pouts* Fine…
Me: Wonderful! Your total today will be ($amount).
(They paid and left, and both therapists came out from the back.)
Female Therapist: (Male Therapist) told me what happened!
Me: Yeah, I know. (To him.) Did she listen to you when you warned her?
Male Therapist: Yeah…but she was mad the rest of the time, her shoulders were stuck all the way up into her ears.
Me: Well it’s her own fault for being so rude to you. (To the other therapist.) Was the husband ok?
Female Therapist: Oh yeah, he was fine!
Male Therapist: Figures…