Unfiltered Story #47783

Unfiltered | May 4, 2016

My Mom, Dad, and I are sitting in church listening to the cantors sing. We are in the back of the church and my mom sometimes mishears things.

Mom (in a whisper to me): “Are they singing about love and brains?”

Me: “Love and Grace, Mom.” (Cracking up as silently as possible)

Unfiltered Story #28088

Unfiltered | May 4, 2016

[I](So December 2015 I went to a friend for advice about a girl I’m interested in, but made her promise not to tell anyone as I was unsure of how things would go. Fast forward a few months and I find out from her boyfriend, my old roommate, that she told him about it almost immediately after I finished talking to her. Now while I am not vindictive, I did take this opportunity to mess with her, and to make it as convincing as possible over the next few days. The following takes place through texting.)[/I]

[I](Saturday)[/I]

[B]Me:[/B] “So, remember that girl I told you about a few months back? Well, she’s going to be in DC for a work conference and if our schedules work out, we’re going to meet up!”

[B]Friend:[/B] “That would be amazing!!! u should do it!!”

[B]Me:[/B] “Well I need to see if I can get off, and she can even have the time. We’ll see.”

[I](Sunday)[/I]

[B]Me:[/B] “Alright, I worked it out with my manager, I can go out and see her Friday if she has the time. I hope it works out, I really want to meet her…”

[B]Friend:[/B] “im sure u will, just dont stress about it”

[I](Thursday night comes around before I mention anything more about it, at which point I set the stage for the morning)[/I]

[B]Me:[/B] “Ok, so I’m meeting with her at 10 tomorrow… what if this doesn’t go well? You know how I can be with new people…”

[B]Friend:[/B] “Take a deep breath and relax, u will be fine. :-):-)”

[B]Me:[/B] [I]*Starting to feel bad about the deception*[/I] “I know, you’re right. But darn it I’ve waited a long time for this I want it to go perfectly. xD”

[B]Friend:[/B] “u will be great. ‘night buddy”

[I](Friday morning rolls around, and at 8:30 I send [Friend] a picture of me decently dressed up with the caption “wish me luck”. I promptly went back to sleep for another 90 minutes after that, and then came to the denouement of my little charade.[/I]

[B]Me:[/B] “…..I….. nlo just….”

[B]Friend:[/B] “?”

[B]Me:[/B] “he. She’s a he. he. I…. WHAT. on the mrteo going hiome tty in a bit”

[I](I let an hour or so pass for “travel time”. Meanwhile [Friend] texts her boyfriend about this, who I am currently talking to at the time)[/I]

[B]Friend:[/B] [I]*To her boyfriend*[/I] “I think that girl that he has liked this whole time is actually a dude… but idk. He said he would explain later….”

[B]Me:[/B] [I]*One last text*[/I] “So it turns out that she was actuially a gay drag queenb anmd thought i was gay. i dont want to thinkj about this anymore.”

[B]Friend:[/B] “o… i’m so sorry….”

[I](I still haven’t told her yet, and I don’t plan to until she sees this!)[/I]

Unfiltered Story #56813

Unfiltered | May 4, 2016

(I’ve been working at the same college store for three years–now that I’m a senior, I cut my hours harshly so I can focus on school. However, I’m still really stressed and tired when I come in. My coworker and I are talking during down time.)

Me: …and I’m just worried that I won’t get a job out of school. It’s really–hold on.

(The phone rings, cutting me off. I pick up the receiver and throw my voice up at least two octaves.)

Me: Good morning, this is [My Name] at [Store]! What can I do for you?

(I continue in a really nice, cheerful tone. I return to my drab regular voice after the call.)

Coworker: You’re a little TOO good at hiding your discomfort…

Unfiltered Story #18435

Unfiltered | May 4, 2016

(A couple years ago, I came down with a cold while nursing a broken ankle, and so late at night I had to make a last-minute trip out to the pharmacy for some pain medication so I could hopefully get to sleep that night. I took the bus down, but it was late, so the buses only ran every hour or so, and between walking slow because of my ankle and a slow pharmacist, I missed the next bus. I was sitting on the curb by the bus stop, when suddenly a van pulls over, and the driver rolls down the passenger window to talk to me.)

Driver: Hey, do you want a ride?

Me: Uhm… ok.

(I’m pretty socially awkward, so I was a little uncofortable getting in, but he just chatted with me, talking about the area and things he had seen since moving out there. Finally, we arrived at my apartment complex.)

Driver: Do you need any help getting inside?

Me: No, I’ll be fine.

(He stayed at the curb until I got inside, then drove off and made a u-turn to head down the street the other way. I think he went out of his way to help me, because the college is in the other direction from where we were.)

Unfiltered Story #32358

Unfiltered | May 4, 2016

I overhear an argument between two of my students

Student 1: So let me get this straight…You want to bring all the Pygmies over to America

Student 2: Not all of them. I don’t think I could find all of them.

Student 1: Ok, some pygmies. You want to make them have flat heads…

Student 2: Yes. If I strap boards to the tops of their heads when they’re babies, they’ll grow up with flat heads.

Student 1: That’s just so wrong. Why would you do that?

Student 2: So they can balance trays on their heads and work as servers at parties.

Student 1: So you’re going to bring them over to be slaves?!

Student 2: Not slaves. I’ll give them food, clothing, and a place to live. And they’ll have a better life here than in the jungle anyway.

Student 1: That’s still not right! (turns to me) Tell him, miss.

And that’s how my yearbook quote for the year became:
Me: No, it is not ethical to bring a group of pygmies to America, raise them with flat heads and use them as servants to carry your trays on their heads.