Unfiltered Story #47610

Unfiltered | November 9, 2015

(This exchange happens last April, when my sister and I are watching TV. The weatherman is on.)

Weatherman: We will be expecting April showers this Sunday in the morning…

Me: Hey, [sister].

Sister: Yeah?

Me: If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?

Sister: Allergies.

(Clearly, we both know the punchline is ‘pilgrims.’ I roll my eyes)

Me: And you just ruined the joke.

Sister: You’re welcome.

Unfiltered Story #56638

Unfiltered | November 9, 2015

(My brother and I go on a cruise. Not only does the cruise itself last a week and go almost as far south as Venezuela, but the port is in southern Florida, a day’s drive from our home in South Carolina. We planned the trip for months before leaving, including taking time off work and school and telling everyone where we’re going. On the last night, his phone rings.)

Brother’s boss: “Hey, [Coworker] isn’t coming in tonight. Can you cover his shift?”

Brother (to me): “They want me to come in to work today!”

Me: “Tell them, ‘Sure, just send a helicopter to get me.'”

Unfiltered Story #66998

Unfiltered | November 8, 2015

(I’ve just finished my shift and I am picking up some wheat-free bread from the supermarket near my workplace for my boyfriend. I go to put it on the belt behind an elderly couple when they notice)

Lady: Is that all you’re buying dear?

Me: Yeah, we buy this stuff as we need it to keep it as fresh as possible.

Lady: Go ahead of us dear, we’ve filled the belt and you’ve got that one small loaf of bread.

Me: Are you sure?

Lady: Of course. (to her husband) Let this young lady ahead of us dear, she’s only buying a loaf of bread.

(The gentleman agrees, and tells the cashier to process my transaction first.)

Me: Thank you so much! I work at the cinema over there *I point out the front of the store, which is floor to ceiling windows, towards the cinema’s sign* and let me tell you, it’s rare to see anyone this kind in line.

(I pay for the bread and after thanking them again set off, beaming from ear to ear)

Unfiltered Story #32183

Unfiltered | November 8, 2015

(A new fishing store opened near our school and my geography teacher is detailing his first visit to it.)

Teacher: They had a whole aisle full of knives, these great machetes. My brother likes machetes. I don’t know why. He also has three kids. *pauses* Not that that has anything to do with him liking machetes.

Unfiltered Story #27911

Unfiltered | November 8, 2015

My best friend and I have Film Studies class together. Both of us are big Until Dawn fans, and have this long-running joke where I am Josh and she is Chris. We are trying to do pair work, but she can’t seem to be able to focus on the work. Note that she has a crush on one of the boys we go to school with.

Me (in an impression of Josh’s voice): Come on [Friend], this is serious.

Friend (in a posh accent): Oh, I’m deadly serious.

Me: Hang on, do you hear that sound?

Friend (genuinely confused): What sound?

Me: the sound of never kissing [Crush], you pussy!

Friend (glaring): yeah, well at least I wasn’t passed out drunk while my sisters fell off a cliff.

Me: ouch, bro.

Friend: Im not your bro.

Me: no, I’m your wendi-bro

Friend: shut up