Unfiltered Story #27911

Unfiltered | November 8, 2015

My best friend and I have Film Studies class together. Both of us are big Until Dawn fans, and have this long-running joke where I am Josh and she is Chris. We are trying to do pair work, but she can’t seem to be able to focus on the work. Note that she has a crush on one of the boys we go to school with.

Me (in an impression of Josh’s voice): Come on [Friend], this is serious.

Friend (in a posh accent): Oh, I’m deadly serious.

Me: Hang on, do you hear that sound?

Friend (genuinely confused): What sound?

Me: the sound of never kissing [Crush], you pussy!

Friend (glaring): yeah, well at least I wasn’t passed out drunk while my sisters fell off a cliff.

Me: ouch, bro.

Friend: Im not your bro.

Me: no, I’m your wendi-bro

Friend: shut up

Unfiltered Story #47609

Unfiltered | November 8, 2015

[i](My nephew is 6 and while he doesn’t fully understand the whole birds and the bees thing, his understanding is that it is a man who “puts the baby in the woman’s tummy” when he loves her. I had previously been in a relationship with a girl a few years before but we never became intimate, he remembers this out of the blue and becomes curious about this. Due to his own mother raising him as a single parent and then meeting another man, however, this makes things somewhat confusing for him at times)[/i]

[b]Nephew:[/b] “<My name>?”

[b]Me:[/b] “Yes?”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “You had a girlfriend, right?”

[b]Me:[/b] “Yes…?

[b]Nephew:[/b] “Does that mean you’re a dad?”

[b]Me:[/b] “No, I am not.”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “But you use to be one?”

[b]Me:[/b] “No, we never had children, so I am not and have never been a dad.”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “Why not?”

[b]Me:[/b] [i]*trying my best to put this in a way he would understand*[/i] “… Because… She wouldn’t let me make one with her…”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “Oh… If she had a baby now, would you be the dad then?”

[b]Me:[/b] [i]*caught off guard by that question, and not thinking this answer through*[/i] “No, and she’d have a hard time proving it if she tried to make that claim.”

[i](Thankfully my nephew accepted my answers at that point and happily went about the rest of his day)[/i]

Unfiltered Story #56637

Unfiltered | November 8, 2015

My boss is a hothead and somewhat clueless, unfortunately a lot of my role is figuring simple things out for him.

Manager: (my name) was there any lifting equipment in (room).

Me: No I don’t believe so, I would have remembered something like that.

Manager: Make sure please, I want to know for sure.

(It was a bit of an odd request but simple enough, lifting equipment is huge and has to be bolted down leaving a permanent outline where it used to be and four large bolts sticking out of the floor.

Knowing my boss can be such a pain I meticulously look over the whole floor area, move parts around. And double check with staff in the room, team leaders of the department and engineers who have been with the company since it opened.)

Me: Hey boss, just to let you know, there has never been any lifting equipment in that room.

(I think that it’s over, until I get a snarky email, telling me that I don’t follow through with my work, that (my bass) has had to do my work for me and how disappointed he was.)

Me: (angry) So who exactly has told you that there was a crane in the room?

Manager: (facilities manager) did. Frankly I expected better of you, I give you a simple job to do and you fail miserably.

Me: You’ve got it wrong, there is no way that i’m wrong.

Manager: (blowing up) fine! i’ll call him and when he gets here you will see.

(moments later)

Manager: Tell HIM. what you told me!

Facilities manager: What? he know we arranged it together.

Manager: See! See! you knew about this all along. I don’t know what’s wrong with you!

Me: Hang on, (to Facilities manager) has there been any lifting equipment in (room)?

Facilities manager: no of course not.

Manager: But you told me that there was.

Facilities manager: No, I told you , in very clear detail that there was a lifter in (other room). That is the one (my name) arranged to be removed.

Me: Thank you, (to my manager) are we finished here?

(I don’t wait for a response, as I knew there would never be an apology coming. this sort of thing happens every week, I can’t wait to find somewhere else to work.)

Unfiltered Story #32183

Unfiltered | November 8, 2015

(A new fishing store opened near our school and my geography teacher is detailing his first visit to it.)

Teacher: They had a whole aisle full of knives, these great machetes. My brother likes machetes. I don’t know why. He also has three kids. *pauses* Not that that has anything to do with him liking machetes.

Unfiltered Story #66998

Unfiltered | November 8, 2015

(I’ve just finished my shift and I am picking up some wheat-free bread from the supermarket near my workplace for my boyfriend. I go to put it on the belt behind an elderly couple when they notice)

Lady: Is that all you’re buying dear?

Me: Yeah, we buy this stuff as we need it to keep it as fresh as possible.

Lady: Go ahead of us dear, we’ve filled the belt and you’ve got that one small loaf of bread.

Me: Are you sure?

Lady: Of course. (to her husband) Let this young lady ahead of us dear, she’s only buying a loaf of bread.

(The gentleman agrees, and tells the cashier to process my transaction first.)

Me: Thank you so much! I work at the cinema over there *I point out the front of the store, which is floor to ceiling windows, towards the cinema’s sign* and let me tell you, it’s rare to see anyone this kind in line.

(I pay for the bread and after thanking them again set off, beaming from ear to ear)