(While I’m still in my 20’s, I’m my store’s go-to for costume design, both for performances and conventions. I work with a lot of local celebrities outside of my retail job and have even been in the paper for my work. A customer comes in, mentions he’s working on a cosplay, and is sent to me.)
Customer: I was told to talk to you about my project.
Me: Alright, what are we making?
Customer: I’m trying to do a costume, you might have heard it called cosplay?
(Both his tone and his words suggest he doesn’t think I know what he’s talking about.)
Me: …alright, do you have a picture of who it’s based on?
Customer: Oh, hold on.
(He then spends five minutes fiddling with his phone, then pulls up a google search page with the character’s pictures on it.)
Me: Alright, where are we wanting to start?
Customer: Ugh, with the clothes, of course! Don’t you know anything about costumes?!
Me: Sir, not only did I work with professional seamstresses and costume designers for a few years, I make my own cosplays and other costumes for events. If you went to the professional cosplay competition at [local convention], you should have seen me, as I won first. Or [other local convention], where I was a judge, seeing as I do this for a living. I’m asking where you’d like to start with [character] in the sense of what piece of clothing you’d like to find fabric for first. If you’re going to be condescending to me, you’re welcome to ask anyone but me for help, but be warned that they have nowhere near the experience I do.
(He stood for a second before walking away. He didn’t come back, but I also didn’t hear about any complaints made against me.)

(I’m hanging out with my cousin and one of my friends. We all know each other online, but this is the first time we’ve all gotten together in person. Due to a joke, one of them actually “proposes” to the other, but since we’re all pretty young, it’s really just for laughs. Later they’re talking about braiding.)

Friend: “You should try Dutch braids; they’ll look so cute on you. Plus . . . you are Dutch. And they’re easier for me to do.”

Cousin: “Oh, I usually do French braids, y’know, they’re easier for me. I kinda just tend to go over, I guess.”

Friend: “Huh. I usually tend to go under.”

(Once they realized what they’d said, they refused to make eye contact while I died laughing in the background. The innuendos were strong that night.)

I am texting my boyfriend about meeting my friend for coffee and how excited I was for coffee.

Boyfriend: “I feel if I asked which you like more, me or coffee, that I would be losing that one!! ”

Me: “Well… depends on the time of day you ask…lol.”

In the UK in the 1970s, labour working practice rules were pretty strict. My boss told me about a disciplinary hearing he had to have with an employee, who happened to be the local labour union representative. The 50yr old employee had come in late to work again, something he’d been reprimanded for twice in the past, so was on his last ‘warning’.
Boss : “So why were you late this time [Employee] ?”
Employee : “Well, the wife and I were in bed, and my alarm clock went off at the right time. It’s on the wife’s side of the bed so I reached over her to switch it off … ”
Boss : “Yes ?”
Employee : “You see we both sleep in the nude … and .. Nature took its course ! ”
Boss : …….
The employee got away with a caution … !

While in the kitchen, makeing some breakfast; my mum picks up a jar and checks the expiry date.

Mum: Wow, this lasts until 2033! This could be useful if there was a bad holocaust!

Me: Ummm, I don’t think that’s the word you meant…

(The word she was looking for was “famine”)