I am texting my boyfriend about meeting my friend for coffee and how excited I was for coffee.

Boyfriend: “I feel if I asked which you like more, me or coffee, that I would be losing that one!! ”

Me: “Well… depends on the time of day you ask…lol.”

In the UK in the 1970s, labour working practice rules were pretty strict. My boss told me about a disciplinary hearing he had to have with an employee, who happened to be the local labour union representative. The 50yr old employee had come in late to work again, something he’d been reprimanded for twice in the past, so was on his last ‘warning’.
Boss : “So why were you late this time [Employee] ?”
Employee : “Well, the wife and I were in bed, and my alarm clock went off at the right time. It’s on the wife’s side of the bed so I reached over her to switch it off … ”
Boss : “Yes ?”
Employee : “You see we both sleep in the nude … and .. Nature took its course ! ”
Boss : …….
The employee got away with a caution … !

While in the kitchen, makeing some breakfast; my mum picks up a jar and checks the expiry date.

Mum: Wow, this lasts until 2033! This could be useful if there was a bad holocaust!

Me: Ummm, I don’t think that’s the word you meant…

(The word she was looking for was “famine”)

(Because I’ve recently had multiple surgeries, I’m in a wheelchair. My boyfriend takes me to a convention. He looks intimidating, being over six feet with a lot of muscle, but I’ve also seen him cry over a kitten we saw in a shelter. We’re going through the vendor’s hall, looking at a table of plushes.)
Boyfriend: Hey, they have that fox one you’ve been looking for!
(I can’t see what he’s pointing out because of being stuck sitting, so he goes to hold it up a little closer for me. The vendor suddenly runs over.)
Vendor: Sir, if you want it, it’ll be [price]!
Boyfriend: I’m trying to make sure it’s the one my girlfriend wants.
Vendor: You can’t just leave with it!
Boyfriend: She’s…literally right here.
(The vendor finally realized I was there. He stopped for a second.)
Vendor: Oh…f***. I’m so sorry!
(We laughed it off, saying it was no big deal. Apparently someone who looked similar to my boyfriend had stolen some high-value stuff from the same vendor earlier, and he was a little paranoid. We got the plush, and he threw in a smaller version of it for free.)

I’m sitting at my desk, singing along to the Christmas music that’s playing and typing up some documents for tomorrow. All of a sudden the word processor does it’s ‘not responding’ thing and I stop singing long enough to swear profusely and then go back to singing once it’s working again. My coworker pops her head around the corner.

Coworker: You know…you sing rather like an angel and then all of a sudden it’s all F bombs. *laughs*
Me: *shrug* What can I say? I’m multi-talented.