Unfiltered Story #32358

Unfiltered | May 4, 2016

I overhear an argument between two of my students

Student 1: So let me get this straight…You want to bring all the Pygmies over to America

Student 2: Not all of them. I don’t think I could find all of them.

Student 1: Ok, some pygmies. You want to make them have flat heads…

Student 2: Yes. If I strap boards to the tops of their heads when they’re babies, they’ll grow up with flat heads.

Student 1: That’s just so wrong. Why would you do that?

Student 2: So they can balance trays on their heads and work as servers at parties.

Student 1: So you’re going to bring them over to be slaves?!

Student 2: Not slaves. I’ll give them food, clothing, and a place to live. And they’ll have a better life here than in the jungle anyway.

Student 1: That’s still not right! (turns to me) Tell him, miss.

And that’s how my yearbook quote for the year became:
Me: No, it is not ethical to bring a group of pygmies to America, raise them with flat heads and use them as servants to carry your trays on their heads.

Unfiltered Story #47782

Unfiltered | May 3, 2016

(My family, both immediate and extended, is known for their bad puns. My daughter, a die hard Doctor Who fan, texts me)

Daughter: “I know who let the dogs out.”

Me: “I’m almost afraid to ask, but who?”

Daughter: “Exactly.”

Me: “lol”

Daughter: “Damn. I was hoping for a sigh and eye roll.”

Me: “I live with your dad. You have yet to reach his level of punning.”

Daughter: “A challenge! I shall accept!!”

Me: “Oh, God, what have I done!?”

(Yeah. The holidays are going to be interesting…)

Unfiltered Story #28087

Unfiltered | May 3, 2016

I am a small woman, and I had just picked up the bus after grocery shopping. I’m the only person on the bus besides one man sitting in the far back. When the bus starts moving, he moves to sit directly across from me.

Man: (unintelligible)

Me: “Sorry?”

Man: (unintelligible) “HARTFORD” (unintelligible)

Me: “Ah, yeah, this is Hartford bound. But I’m not going that far.”

Another bus passes us in the opposite direction and the guy throws himself at the window.

Man: “GRAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!” and clawing at his face.

At this point I notice he is sweating profusely and foaming at the mouth. Literally, thick gobs of drool are flying out of his mouth and all over the floor and his clothes. Then he starts leaning in to me trying to keep talking but I can’t understand him. I’m getting nervous at this point because he is either high or crazy, but I play it off as best I can because I don’t want it to escalate. Because we are in the far back of the bus and he is blocking me I can’t signal the driver to the situation.

The bus pulls up to the next stop and I jump up even though I have several more stops to go.

Me: “Well, here I am, have a nice day!” And I bolt.

As I’m stepping off the bus I see a young girl, about fifteen years old, ready to board the bus. I grab her by the arm.

Me: “No. Not this bus, trust me.”

The girl looks scared (I may be small but I’ve been told I can be kind of intimidating.) “Wh-what?”

Me: “You’re staying with me. Don’t get on the bus, he’s crazy.”

The girl glances at the bus, then back at me, and back at the bus. The man peeks out of the bus.

Man: “(unintelligible grunting) get on?”

Me: “Ah, no hon, she said she needed the 72!” (I wave cheerfully as they pull off. The girl still looks scared because I haven’t let go of her arm yet, poor kid, and I think I was holding her hard, but now she sees who I am talking about and doesn’t try to board.)

The bus shut the door and pulled away from the station. I turn to the girl.

Me: “I am so sorry, but that guy was scaring me, and there was no way I was letting you get on with him!” I explain his behavior over the span of the five minutes I was on the bus.

Girl: “Oh wow. Thank you!”

Me: “I have never seen anything like that, and I HAD to get out– and I saw you boarding and I thought ‘aw HELL no’– I hope you don’t miss your connection now, the next bus that was isn’t for another eight minutes.”

Girl: “I’ll be fine. But wow, that sounded scary.”

Me: “Girl code. Ladies take care of each other.”

We chat until the next bus comes, and thankfully this one was full of normal acting people. But that’s the story of how I technically kidnapped a teenager to protect her from the guy with rabies…

Unfiltered Story #56814

Unfiltered | May 3, 2016

(Ok so I work at a big box store on the overnight shift. One of our assistant managers is on vacation and we have a day shift assistant manager filling in for him. It’s about an hour from our shift ending and my supervisor is out on the floor cleaning when this happens)

Dayshifter: *pulling a pallet through the area where I’m straightening up* …I thought we had two machines…

Me:…We do*blink*

Dayshifter: So where’s the second one?

Me: *voice very flat and dead serious* Under (supervisor)’s butt….

Dayshifter: Oh….well the floor should be clean then*leaves*

Unfiltered Story #18436

Unfiltered | May 3, 2016

(I was a bit broke during this time, and saw a guy offered a package of food for free on Facebook. I made an appointment with him to pick it up at his place. I went there after class, having eaten nothing for half the day, I was starving.)

The guy: ‘Hey! Give me two minutes, I’ll pick up the food upstairs.’
Me: ‘Okay.’
The guy: ‘Here you go. By the way, my housemates ordered too much takeaway, so they have a lot of leftover now. They were asking if you want it.’

(Note: This was the first time I met this guy and I had no idea whom his housemates were.)

Me: ‘What? …Sure, why not?’

(He then went back upstairs and brought a bag full of food that looked barely untouched.)

The guy: ‘Here, take care of yourself, yeah?’

(I biked home happily and the food was really good! Thanks, guy and housemates!)