(Our kitchen has small windows and doesn’t get a lot of sun, so even in the daytime I usually turn the lights on while I’m in there to better see what I’m doing. My dad, however, always acts like it’s a waste of electricity. He recently injured his leg and so spends most of the day in the living room, which is connected to the kitchen by an open arch. I go down, turn on the kitchen light, and start cutting up some carrot sticks for a snack – from where Dad’s sitting, he has a clear view of the counter.)

Dad: *looking up from his paper* Hey, you don’t need that light on.

(Since my back is to him, I roll my eyes and just turn it off anyway since I’m almost done. After I finish and go to sit down and eat, I get a text notification on my phone and take it out of my pocket to see who it was from – obviously, the phone screen is backlit, so I can see it just fine in the dark. The table is also in Dad’s line of sight.)

Dad: *looking up again* Don’t read in the dark, it’s bad for your eyes!

(It’s already annoying enough, but what bothers me more is the fact that he’ll leave tons of other stuff on and scold me for turning it off since he was ‘still using it’, even if he’s been in another room for hours…Sometimes, with parents, you just can’t win!)

I’m at a party. I just finished a conversation when one of my friends, who lives overseas, comes up to me.

Female Friend: *Fangirlish voice* Oh my god, that guy was so handsome. Is he your boyfriend?

Me: *panicking* What the hell made you think that?!

Female Friend: The way you guys were acting. You’re like so close and affectionate. Watching you two flirt was so hot!

Me: *utterly aghast* WHAT?! NO! We were not flirting! I mean–

Female Friend: *Interrupts me* But the two of you look so hot together. He’s like the perfect ikemen (Japanese word for hot guy) and you’re like the perfect kkonminam (Korean word for pretty boy). He’s handsome and you’re pretty! You guys would make the best bromance!

Me: Absolutely not! He’s–

Female Friend: *Interrupts me again* Oh if the two of you get married, will you wear the wedding dress? You’ll look better than if you wore a tuxedo!

Me: I don’t swing that way! You know–

Female Friend: *Interrupts me yet again* Come on, he’s hot enough, isn’t he? So why didn’t you tell me you had such a hot friend? What’s his name?

Me: *Deadpan* He’s [Name]. My older brother.

Female Friend: Even better! You guys will make the BEST bromance!

Me: *thousand yard stare*

I proceeded to beat a hasty retreat, find the strongest bottle of liquor at that party and drink the whole damn thing.

Sister: “What’s that?”

Me: “Uh what?”

Sister: “That ringing! Is it your phone?”

Me: “No? My phones not ringing.”

Sister: “Then what is it! I can’t believe you can’t hear it. Seriously? Are you deaf?”

Me: “No, I really don’t hear anything.”

Sister: “It’s like…” *pauses* “Ohhh, it’s coming from MY head.”

Me: “Oh, like tinnitus? I get that sometimes.”

Sister: “Tin- what?”

Me: “Look it up. Sometimes when I sit and or lay a certain way, I hear a sound coming from my own head. You never got that? It’s more like a beep though. Like a long drawn out beeeeeeep.”

(She stares at me like I’m nuts and changes the subject. Later, we’re watching an action movie where the star gets into a crash. The sound cuts off into silence, and then a steady beep sound plays.)

Sister: “That’s it! That’s the sound!”

Me: “Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a phone ringing at all. Unless you have one of those weird ringtones.”

(She didn’t.)

For the school fair, my society decided to run a bakery. As the only person who knew how to bake, I was put in charge. Right off the bat, I had trouble. I had only one volunteer, she was a female and the only kitchen in the boarding school that allowed both genders inside was already fully booked. So I had to beg for permission to use my dorm’s kitchen, which the vice principal gave.

Halfway through our baking, we noticed some smoke and suddenly realised the oven was ON FIRE. After panicking, I hit the fire alarm and got the dorm master in to put the fire out. One of my dorm mates came up to us and talked as we waited for the smoke to clear.

Dormmate 1: You know, the fire is easier to believe than the fact that *points at [Female Friend]* she is here.

Us: Seriously?

Later, when we were waiting for the last cupcakes to bake in the dorm’s second oven, another two guys came into the kitchen and froze when they saw [Female Friend].

Me: Hey guys. Don’t worry, I got permission for her to be here.

Dormmate 2 and 3: *Still stunned and bug-eyed* Uh huh.

Me: Oh yeah, that oven caught fire and is busted now. Don’t touch it.

Dormmate 2: You know, I can believe the fire. What I can’t believe is the fact that you got permission for *points at [Female Friend]* her to be here.

Dormmate 3: Uh huh. What he said.

Us: WTF?

A few days later, after the fair.

Best Friend: Hey, I saw your Instagram. Did you really–

Me: Set the oven on fire? Yes.

Best Friend: No, I know that the oven was on fire. What I can’t believe is the girl in the picture. Did you really bring her to [Male Dorm]?

Me: ………

A few days later, in class.

Me: I’ve still got some cupcakes left over from last week’s fair. Anyone want some?

Jock Classmate: Hey thanks man. Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you this for a while, so how did you–

Me: Set the oven on fire? No clue.

Jock Classmate: No. Who cares about the oven? How did you bring that girl into [Male Dorm]?

Stuck-up Female Classmate: Oh yeah, I saw that. How did you get permission?

House Captain Classmate: Yeah. I can’t believe that you actually got permission. Isn’t the school like super conservative about stuff like this?

Me: But the fire……

Whole Class: Yeah, yeah, we know the oven was on fire. We want to know how you got permission to bring a girl back to your dorm.

Me: *eye starts twitching*

Later that night.

Prefect: Hey man. I saw your Instagram. Did you really bring [Female Friend] into [Male Dorm]?

Me: Yeah. We set the oven on fire as well.

Prefect: Uh huh. So how did you do it? I want to invite my girlfriend into my room.

Me: Why the f*ck is everyone more interested in [Female Friend] than the fire?!

Next day.

Female Friend: Hey, friend. You will not believe this. Everyone keeps asking how I got permission to go to [Male Dorm]. Like, nobody cares about the fire.

Me: Same. Why the hell does EVERYONE find the fire easier to believe than you being at [Male Dorm]?

I was driving home from work one night when I stopped at a red light. There were two cars ahead of me, but by the time I got there there was no cross traffic, but the road was fairly dark due to a lack of streetlights on that block.

The guy in front apparently decided that this meant it was the perfect time to run a red light, since he suddenly accelerated through the intersection.

At which point the car behind him suddenly turned on its red and blue lights and proceeded through the intersection after him.