Unfiltered Story #56794

Unfiltered | April 16, 2016

I’ve been getting calls from home security scammers so I decided to mess with them a bit. After getting through the robocall to figure out if I’m eligible, they hooked me up with a rep. The story starts here:

Scammer: Hey, I was calling to give you our special deal for a home security system *launches into a bog-standard pitch about a free security system that only asks me to advertise their company and most certainly does not sneak in hidden fees* can I get your zip code to see if we work in your area?

Me: Sure, let me look it up. *Takes a good long time trying to find the information*

Scammer: Um… I notice your area code is from $STATE…

Me: Actually, I don’t live there anymore. (which is a complete lie)

Scammer: Ah, okay.

Me: Okay, I got it. It’s 65305.

Scammer: Okay… Wow! We got a lot workers there! *Launches into another sales pitch about their options* … we also have a motion detector in case any intruder gets into an unguarded entry point…

Me: Wait, what’s the false positive rate on those things ’cause I don’t want the guards to go all “shoot to kill” on some random janitor. (This should have been the first warning sign)

Scammer: Um, okay. It is very much optional, we will send one of our guys there to *continues into pitch*

Me: (thinking) Wha…?

Scammer: *Winds to an end* …do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah, can you send anyone that has a security clearance?

Scammer: We certainly can. Can I have your address so we can send a rep over.

Me: (thinking) How stupid can you be?

Me: Er… it’s not that simple. I’m going to have to clear this with the base commander. I mean, we do store nukes here, we don’t want anyone to just walk off with them.

S: *Not missing a beat* Yeah, that would be bad. Tell you what, you can call us at $PHONENUMBER and my extension is $EXTENSION. Call me back when you make a decision, alright?

M: Okay, bye. *Hangs up*

It was then that I had a good hearty laugh, probably to the confusion of everyone around me.

Unfiltered Story #18418

Unfiltered | April 16, 2016

( I am a sixteen year old girl who, unlike others, I love to ride my scooter around to clear my head. I decide to buy some ice cream for myself because it’s burning hot outside. I then see a middle-aged man right behind me. Note: I love making small talk when I’m not doing anything.)

Me: Man, it sure is hot out.

Man: Sure is, are you okay?

Me: Yeah, fine, just rode my scooter from [My town] to here.

Man: Oh, why would you do that?

Me: Because it’s fun, and I like to exercise when I’m bored.

(The man chuckles, and thinking that’s the end of the conversation, I turn forward. When it’s my turn to pay, I reach into my wallet. But the man speaks up.)

Man: No, no, I’ll pay.

Me: What? Really?

Man: Of course, it’s great seeing young people care about their body, good luck exercising.

( The man then paid and left before I can say thank you. So if you’re reading this, thank you so much. And yes, the ice cream was delicious!)

Unfiltered Story #67155

Unfiltered | April 16, 2016

(I was a customer, the resturant in this case is on a corner of a roundabout, with their main rival on the other side. They face each over over the road, but you have to go in completely the opposite direction to get to them)

We were ordering, and a car pulled into the carpart, the person got out, came in to the resturant.

Cashier: Can I take the next order?

Lady: Oh. wait, I though I was in <rival>

And she walks out and back to her car.

Cashier to us: Did that just happen?

Unfiltered Story #32340

Unfiltered | April 16, 2016

*In ASL we were doing an exercise where our professor goes from person to person asking if we were single or not. We would reply with if we were single, had a boy/girlfriend, were married or (in one classmate’s case as it was before gay marriage was legal in the state) had a partner. If we were in a relationship he would then ask for their names and most have common English names (Bill, James, Mary, ect.) and the conversations would go along this line*

Professor: “Single?”

Classmate: “No, boyfriend.”

Professor: “Boyfriend name?”

Classmate: *fingerspelling* “C-H-U-C-K”

Professor: “C-H-U-C-K. OK.” *turns to me* “Single?”

Me: “No, boyfriend.”

Professor: “Boyfriend name?”

Me: “S-O-P-H-E-A-K”

Professor: ……”OK”

Unfiltered Story #47763

Unfiltered | April 15, 2016

(This is an actual conversation I just had with my Dad)

Dad: I haven’t met a Yorkie YET that I liked.

Me: Don’t you mean Schnauzer?

Dad: Maybe – what’s the difference?

Me: The neighbors have a Schnauzer. You chased a Yorkie around some lady’s yard on Halloween when I was 8 and you dressed as Muscular Beaver.

Dad: … I dunno if I remember chasing the Yorkie.

Me: I do.