Unfiltered Story #47792

Unfiltered | May 16, 2016

(My mom, sister and I are at home preparing dinner. We’re talking about our piano tuner who is coming in a week. My sister and I, both 19, are Harry Potter fanatics.)

Mom: Remember, if she sees you, she’ll want to talk. If she talks, she’ll never get out of here, so pretend you’re not home!

Sister: Ok, so… you’re downstairs, the dog is in her crate, and we’ll be upstairs… in our rooms, making no noise and pretending we don’t exist.

Me: YES! And mom will be in the lounge, waiting to graciously welcome our guest into our home.

(We both start grinning now. Mom rolls her eyes as I continue.)

Me: And after she arrives, we’ll start banging things around, and slamming our closet doors shut!

Sister: And mom will say all the sound is just the cat… uh, dog! And we’ll ruin the punch line of her joke!

Me: Oh! And last but not least, we’ll both come downstairs and drop a cake on her head! Then mom will have to apologise, and explain that these are her daughters and we’re very disturbed meeting strangers, that’s why we had to stay upstairs!

(We’re now laughing hysterically.)

Sister: Let’s do it!

Mom: I can’t believe you two.

Unfiltered Story #28099

Unfiltered | May 15, 2016

As a back story, I have a friend who has a habit of trying to “fix” her friends’ lives by offering well-intentioned, but incredibly annoying advice which is almost always unecessary as we are often already doing or have already done as she suggests. Her name is Suzanne.

I am sitting at home one evening with my boyfriend after a hard day.

Me: I smell of B.O!

Boyfriend: Have a shower.

Me: Yes, thank you for your helpful advice. How would I ever know how to live my life without it, Mr Suzanne the Second?

Boyfriend: Hey! That’s going a bit far!

Unfiltered Story #56823

Unfiltered | May 15, 2016

I live in a tourist town and the high street is always really busy. There’s an election in just over a weeks time so in addition to the charity fundraisers and buskers that are always on the street, political parties are campaigning.

I am on my lunch break and walk to the local artisan coffee house at the other end of the high street. I always try to be polite.

Politcal Campaigner #1: Hi there, can we count on your vote?

Me: Sorry, I’m not going to vote for your party.

A second later I’m greeted by another political campaigner for the party I support.

Political Campaigner #2: Hi there, can we count on your votes a week on Thursday?

Me: Absolutely! Both my votes will be for you.

After I get my coffee, I have a cigarette before going back to work.

Charity Fundraiser: *judgementally* Hey Mr Smoker!

Me: *shocked at her rudeness, blanks her and continues last only to turn and see her give me the finger*

Some people

Unfiltered Story #18448

Unfiltered | May 15, 2016

(I once was going to Baskin Robbins when I went to get a sundae while my brother got munchkins. When the sundae came, I went to get spoons and my brother ate the cherry on top.)

Me: Hey dude! Spit it out!

(My brother then proceeds to spit the cherry out into a red paste)

Me: Really?

(Then a women comes up to us gives me cherries because she once had a sister that did the same all the time. Wherever you are, thank you!)

Unfiltered Story #32369

Unfiltered | May 15, 2016

(I’m in my second Calc class with the same group of students and the same teacher as last year, so we’re all very comfortable together.)

Student: “Hey (Teacher), I need to go potty.”

(The class all laughs a little.)

Teacher: *struggling not to laugh* “Ok, is the monitor someone you can get past?”

(Student sticks his head out the door.)

Student: “Yeah, she likes me.”

Teacher: “Make sure to tell her you need to go potty.”

Student: “Okay.” *walks out*

(We all are laughing, but we quiet down enough to hear:)

Student: (from hallway) “I need to go potty.”