Unfiltered Story #67173

Unfiltered | May 4, 2016

(I was answering the phones on a fairly slow day).

Me: Thank you for calling [portrait studio] this is [name] how can I help you?

Customer: Uh yeah how much are your sitting fees?

Me: $9 a person.

Customer: Ok I have a coupon for a $7.99 package. How much will that cost me?

Me: …. (Uh) $7.99 plus $9 a person for the sitting fee

Customer: It will just be my son in the pictures; how much will it cost?

Me: Uhh $16.99 plus tax would you like to book an appointment?

Customer: Not right now I’ll have to think about it. *click*

Me: ……

Unfiltered Story #32358

Unfiltered | May 4, 2016

I overhear an argument between two of my students

Student 1: So let me get this straight…You want to bring all the Pygmies over to America

Student 2: Not all of them. I don’t think I could find all of them.

Student 1: Ok, some pygmies. You want to make them have flat heads…

Student 2: Yes. If I strap boards to the tops of their heads when they’re babies, they’ll grow up with flat heads.

Student 1: That’s just so wrong. Why would you do that?

Student 2: So they can balance trays on their heads and work as servers at parties.

Student 1: So you’re going to bring them over to be slaves?!

Student 2: Not slaves. I’ll give them food, clothing, and a place to live. And they’ll have a better life here than in the jungle anyway.

Student 1: That’s still not right! (turns to me) Tell him, miss.

And that’s how my yearbook quote for the year became:
Me: No, it is not ethical to bring a group of pygmies to America, raise them with flat heads and use them as servants to carry your trays on their heads.

Unfiltered Story #47783

Unfiltered | May 4, 2016

My Mom, Dad, and I are sitting in church listening to the cantors sing. We are in the back of the church and my mom sometimes mishears things.

Mom (in a whisper to me): “Are they singing about love and brains?”

Me: “Love and Grace, Mom.” (Cracking up as silently as possible)

Unfiltered Story #28088

Unfiltered | May 4, 2016

[I](So December 2015 I went to a friend for advice about a girl I’m interested in, but made her promise not to tell anyone as I was unsure of how things would go. Fast forward a few months and I find out from her boyfriend, my old roommate, that she told him about it almost immediately after I finished talking to her. Now while I am not vindictive, I did take this opportunity to mess with her, and to make it as convincing as possible over the next few days. The following takes place through texting.)[/I]

[I](Saturday)[/I]

[B]Me:[/B] “So, remember that girl I told you about a few months back? Well, she’s going to be in DC for a work conference and if our schedules work out, we’re going to meet up!”

[B]Friend:[/B] “That would be amazing!!! u should do it!!”

[B]Me:[/B] “Well I need to see if I can get off, and she can even have the time. We’ll see.”

[I](Sunday)[/I]

[B]Me:[/B] “Alright, I worked it out with my manager, I can go out and see her Friday if she has the time. I hope it works out, I really want to meet her…”

[B]Friend:[/B] “im sure u will, just dont stress about it”

[I](Thursday night comes around before I mention anything more about it, at which point I set the stage for the morning)[/I]

[B]Me:[/B] “Ok, so I’m meeting with her at 10 tomorrow… what if this doesn’t go well? You know how I can be with new people…”

[B]Friend:[/B] “Take a deep breath and relax, u will be fine. :-):-)”

[B]Me:[/B] [I]*Starting to feel bad about the deception*[/I] “I know, you’re right. But darn it I’ve waited a long time for this I want it to go perfectly. xD”

[B]Friend:[/B] “u will be great. ‘night buddy”

[I](Friday morning rolls around, and at 8:30 I send [Friend] a picture of me decently dressed up with the caption “wish me luck”. I promptly went back to sleep for another 90 minutes after that, and then came to the denouement of my little charade.[/I]

[B]Me:[/B] “…..I….. nlo just….”

[B]Friend:[/B] “?”

[B]Me:[/B] “he. She’s a he. he. I…. WHAT. on the mrteo going hiome tty in a bit”

[I](I let an hour or so pass for “travel time”. Meanwhile [Friend] texts her boyfriend about this, who I am currently talking to at the time)[/I]

[B]Friend:[/B] [I]*To her boyfriend*[/I] “I think that girl that he has liked this whole time is actually a dude… but idk. He said he would explain later….”

[B]Me:[/B] [I]*One last text*[/I] “So it turns out that she was actuially a gay drag queenb anmd thought i was gay. i dont want to thinkj about this anymore.”

[B]Friend:[/B] “o… i’m so sorry….”

[I](I still haven’t told her yet, and I don’t plan to until she sees this!)[/I]

Unfiltered Story #56813

Unfiltered | May 4, 2016

(I’ve been working at the same college store for three years–now that I’m a senior, I cut my hours harshly so I can focus on school. However, I’m still really stressed and tired when I come in. My coworker and I are talking during down time.)

Me: …and I’m just worried that I won’t get a job out of school. It’s really–hold on.

(The phone rings, cutting me off. I pick up the receiver and throw my voice up at least two octaves.)

Me: Good morning, this is [My Name] at [Store]! What can I do for you?

(I continue in a really nice, cheerful tone. I return to my drab regular voice after the call.)

Coworker: You’re a little TOO good at hiding your discomfort…