This happened several years ago in the A&E of my hospital and was told to me by a friend who took me up there after a seizure.

A drunk man came in and started harassing an NHS nurse, eventually putting his arms either side of her shoulders and pinning her against a wall.

I’d been recovering from a seizure at this point, sleeping across several seats after being brought up there by a friend.

Apparently I looked up at the guy, still groggy from the seizure, got up, stormed over to him, threw him against another wall and said; “if you so much as even looked at a nurse the wrong way again they won’t know what part of you to treat first.”

I then threw him to the floor, went back to the chairs and went back to sleep as the entire of the A&E were applauding me.

Today, I signed in at my doctor’s office and sat down to wait. The receptionist mistakenly took the woman who was signing in after me. (“Just come over here.”)

Her 4 or 5 year old said, “But, Mommy, she was here first.”

Her mother ignored her.

As someone who sells tickets for a popular boat attraction, I have heard many questions from tourists, and it is always the 3rd question that identifies their level of intelligence. For example,
1) How much is a ticket for the boat tour?
2) What time is the boat tour?
3) Do we have to ride on the boat?

(I’m walking by my local liquor store when I hear this conversation between a gentleman driving and another pedestrian.)

Driver: “Miss, I’m looking for the liquor store, can you point me to it?”

(They’re right near the entrance, so the pedestrian points over her shoulder to the sign.)

Pedestrian: “Right here, sir – see the sign? It says [Name of Store] Wine and Spirits.”

(I wonder if she’s giving him the benefit of the doubt because he might not be able to read the sign from his car, but then he says-)

Driver: “Yeah, but it doesn’t say *liquor* specifically. Do they have liquor?”

Pedestrian *voicing my thoughts* : Sir, liquor and spirits are the same thing! You’re at the right place!

Driver: “Oh, I guess you’re right. Thanks, miss!”

(I had to wonder if he was confused because the place used to sell wine and beer only until last year.)

I am with my 6 year old daughter at a classmate’s 7th birthday party. Lots of games, food, presents, the usual things you would see at such an event. I am one of those dads who makes jokes all the time, usually getting a laugh out of the kids and/or parents.

So it’s time for the birthday girl to blow out her candle. It’s one of those candles that’s just a big ‘7’. She was feeling a little shy about it. I start making a silly voice as if the candle was talking to her, saying things like “You can do it” and “I’m just a candle”. Then, in the effort to encourage her to blow the candle, I say “Blow me!” in the silly voice. My eyes immediately go wide, face turns red, and I mutter “did I really just say that?” under my breath as I turn around, completely embarrassed that I said something like that.

No one said anything. In fact, no one seemed to even hear what I had said. After my embarrassment clears, I continue one with the rest of the party. Still no one said anything, and I didn’t say anything either. The birthday girl did blow out the candle and the festivities continued on.