Under The Sea Meets Under The Influence

(I am shopping with my four-year-old daughter. She has just seen ‘The Little Mermaid’ for the first time. She has become obsessed with Sebastian, the singing crab. As we pass by the seafood section, her eyes go wide and she zooms right up to the lobster tank.)

Daughter: “Daddy! They have crabs!”

Me: “Those are lobsters, babygirl. They’re like crabs but different.”

Daughter: *crestfallen* “Oh… so they don’t sing?”

Me: “Nope. Remember what mommy said? Real crabs don’t sing; only pretend ones do.”

Daughter: “I still wanna see them!”

(At this point a seafood counter employee walks up.)

Employee: “Hey there, little lady. Are you checking out the lobsters?”

Daughter: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “She’s fascinated by sea creatures.”

Employee: “Is that so?”

(The employee kneels down to my daughter’s eye level.)

Employee: “Would you like to see one up close?”

Daughter: “Yeah! Can I, daddy?”

(I nod to the employee, who puts on some rubber gloves and fishes a large lobster out of the tank. He kneels down again and lets my daughter get close to it.)

Employee: “Now don’t put your fingers near his feet or his mouth, sweetie. You see how he has his pincers here, and his big tail back here?”

My Daughter: “Cooooooool!”

Employee: “You want to touch him? Make sure you only touch him on his back, like this.”

(The employee pats the lobster along its back, just like one would do with a cat or dog. My daughter copies him, giggling about how funny the lobster feels. Suddenly there is a loud shriek from behind us. A middle-aged woman is staring wide-eyed with both hands over her mouth.)

Woman: “Oh, my God! What are you doing?! Put that horrid thing away!”

Employee: “I’m sorry?”

Woman: “You can’t let a little girl touch a gross, ugly thing like that! Get it away!”

Me: “Ma’am, my daughter is quite responsible with animals. She holds and plays with my wife’s pet gerbils all the time.”

Woman: “You let her touch RODENTS?! How disgusting! She’s going to get a disease! You should be thrown in prison!”

(She barrels away at full speed, almost running into two people.)

Daughter: “Daddy, is that lady crazy?”

Me: “I think so, babygirl.”