Uncle Irritating Meets Aunt Flo

, , , , , , , | Related | July 15, 2020

My late uncle could be the soul of kindness where his nieces and nephews were concerned… but he could also be the most irritating man on the planet.

He was a security guard at the university I attended and was often stationed in the library at the front door, checking book bags, usually with a male student who was part of the on-campus student patrol.

Whenever I came through the line, Uncle Irritating would announce, “Oh, this one looks like trouble; better go through everything.”

And he and the student would gleefully remove all my stuff from my pocketbook and my bookbag. One day, after he had made me late for a class, I decided that was it.

The next time I heard him say he would be at the library, I fixed up a bag and headed to the library after a class. When I made to leave, my uncle announced that I was a dangerous thief and he and the male student started opening up my bookbag and pocketbook.

Maybe it wasn’t the best revenge, but they had to remove lots and lots and lots of individual sanitary napkins and tampons in order to get to anything important. The student guard was turning bright red and my uncle was truly peeved. They stuffed everything back in and returned it to me.

“Are we done?” I asked.

My uncle smiled sweetly. We never mentioned it to the family. Ever after, I was able to go through the book check line without being treated as a subject in a Candid Camera episode.

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