Can’t Defy The Octopi

(My ex-girlfriend and I are still really good friends. My current girlfriend and I are going on a double date with her and the guy she’s seeing. My ex loves cephalopods, specifically the octopus, and has a plush one on her keys. My current girlfriend sees it when she’s putting her ID away after we order our drinks.)

Girlfriend: “What’s that purple thing?”

Ex: “An octopus.”

Girlfriend: “Oh.” *pauses* “Why is there an octopus on your keys?”

Ex: “I think a better question is why ISN’T there an octopus on YOUR keys?”

(Everybody except my current girlfriend laughs, who just gives my ex a dirty look. As we’re leaving, she sees there is also a small, bright blue glass octopus hanging from the rear view mirror of her car.)

Girlfriend: *nasty tone* “Geez, what is it with you and those stupid things?”

Ex: *looking at the key ring, and the one in her car* “I happen to like them. Besides, there’s only a few of them.” *glances at my girlfriend’s car – the dashboard of which is covered in stuffed animals*

Girlfriend: *shrill tone* “It’s normal for girls to like stuffed animals! Those things are slimy!”

Ex: “First of all, I’m a woman. Not a girl. As in adult human female. Second, there’s nothing wrong with having several stuffed animals in your car either. I just find it odd that you have a problem with two small cephalopods when the interior of your car looks like one of those claw machines.”

(She and I ended up getting back together a few months later, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why I ever let her go.)