This Will Completely Throw You

(I’m on a delivery, after handing over the food and waiting for her to hand back the credit card slip.)

Customer: *holding out a $10 bill* “Can you change this into quarters for me? I need money for the laundry.”

Me: “Uh… I’m sorry. I don’t carry coins on me.” *definitely not forty quarters!*

Customer: *looking completely shocked* “Oh. Okay, then. I guess I’ll have to get them somewhere else, then. Come on in.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. For safety reasons I’m not allowed to enter the homes of customers.”

(The look on her face is such complete horror and appall I realize she must have misheard me say something fantastically offensive.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but our company rules do not allow us to enter people’s homes.”

Customer: “I have never had anyone have a problem coming into my home before!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I just have to follow rules or I could get fired.”

Customer: *thrusts my receipt back at me* “Funny how your ‘rules’ don’t stop you from taking tips.”

(By the time I get back to the store she has already called to complain two times — first, about how horribly rude I was and how I wouldn’t come in. The manager she spoke to supported my actions and explained that this was indeed our policy. Then, she called back to complain that our pizza looked like crap. I am lucky enough to catch the third call.)

Customer: “You gave me a frozen pizza! There is still ice in the middle. Come pick this up!”

Me: “I’m very sorry about the pizza, ma’am. We will remake a hot, fresh one for you right now.”

Customer: “Oh, h*** no. I owned a restaurant. I know what you do to people’s food when they complain.”

Me: “I’m sorry you were forced to work in such unprofessional conditions, but I can assure you that no such things will happen here. Let me make you a pizza that is hot.”

Customer: “No. You will just spit in it; I’m not stupid. Just come here and give me my money back.”

Me: “Since you paid with a card, I can refund it from here and the money will go straight back into your account.”

Customer: “You’d still better come out here and pick up this pizza, then.”

Me: “If you don’t like it, you can just throw it away; we don’t need it back.”

Customer: “H*** no. You come and pick up this crap you tried to give me; I’m not throwing away your garbage for you.”

(Yes, I went back to retrieve the pizza and yes, it was thrown at me.)