This Valentine’s Day We’re Going To Strip It All Down To The Basics

Back in the day, I used to be a bouncer at a strip club. Every Valentine’s Day we’d get most of the regulars all lining up, wearing a suit and carrying flowers and chocolates.

Me: “We don’t allow outside food.”

Customer: “Oh, but it’s for Crystal! I’m gonna ask her out on a date!”

Me: “That’s not gonna work, my friend.”

Customer: “But she’s always so nice to me! I always make sure I choose her when I come.”

Me: “Pro tip, if every time y’all hang out it involves you giving her money, she is not into you.”

Customer: “What do you know! You’re just trying to keep the chocolates for yourself, fat a**?”

Me: “You really wanna be saying that to the guy who decides if you get into the club or not?”

Customer: “Crystal is into me, I know it!”

Me: “If she is into you, she’ll put on some clothes and take you out for waffles, because that’s what she does with her boyfriend.”

Customer: “She doesn’t have a boyfriend! She told me!”

Me: “You think her name is really Crystal, too? My friend, she works here, it’s her job to be nice to you. Now are you going to play nice too, or are you going to be a problem?”

He decided to be a problem, and we banned him. Every f****** Valentine’s Day I swear. I was soooo happy to quit a few years later!