This Time, Baby, I’ll Be Bulletproof

I used to work in a call center as tech support for a large, well-known phone carrier. This was back in the day when contracts were still a thing.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] tech support. How can I help you?”

Caller: “F*** YOU! YOU LYING SACK OF S***! YOU ARE GOING TO BUY ME A NEW PHONE!”

Oh, we are having that kind of day, are we? Okay.

I tried all the general de-escalation tactics for well over half an hour before I finally got the dude to calm down enough to actually speak with me. Believe it or not, telling him I was from Texas is what did it. After talking about how terrible the Cowboys were — I don’t even know how to play football — the customer opened up to me.

He got sugared into the store for a new phone. The guy had been way overdue for an upgrade, so the sales guy happened to sell him on the brand-new iPhone 4! But what kind of salesman stops there? No, sir. The deal isn’t done until you sell your soul. He also upheld him on EVERYTHING — the protection plan, the screen protector, phone case, EVERYTHING. This guy should receive the salesman of the year award. Do you want to know how he sold the phone case? He made it very clear how durable these cases were by telling him, “You could take a twelve-gauge to this phone case and it wouldn’t break.”

The customer took his brand-new iPhone and all his goodies and went back to the backwoods to hang out with his buddies. He then proceeded to tell me about all the beer they were drinking and how we ruined his day.

After he bragged about how strong the phone case was, his buddies called bulls***. This customer was ready to prove them wrong. He proceeded to take the shotgun out of his truck’s toolbox and show his buddies how it was done.

Needless to say, it’s pretty difficult to troubleshoot a phone that’s in thirty pieces. So, the customer was now stuck in a two-year contract, had no coverage for intentional damage under his protection plan, and had no phone.

The guy ended up escalating on me to my supervisor, who talked to him for two hours before transferring him to the store he bought it from.

PSA: Guys and gals, your phone isn’t bulletproof.