This Rep Has A Lot Of ‘Spaining To Do

(I notice on my most recent statement that the fee for my student account has suddenly jumped from $3 to $12, so I call the bank’s customer service line.)

Service Rep: “How can I help you today?”

Me: “Hi, I was checking my statement and the fee for my checking account has suddenly quadrupled for no reason. I need that corrected.”

Service Rep: “Oh, I’m sorry; it’s probably just a glitch. What was the amount on your statement?”

Me: “Twelve dollars. It’s normally three.”

Service Rep: “Hm… no, that account’s always been twelve. We don’t have a three-dollar account.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m looking at my statements for the last year and my online account information and it clearly says it’s been three dollars until a month ago. There’s been an error somewhere in your system.”

Service Rep: “No ma’am, you’re the one that’s wrong. Our system never makes mistakes. We’ve never had a three-dollar account.”

Me: “Excuse me, but I’m an unemployed college student living off of grants and loans. I signed up for the discount student account as I could not afford the twelve dollars for the standard account. I was quoted three dollars a month on signup. I’ve been paying three dollars a month up until last month, and I have the paperwork that your company provided to prove that.”

Service Rep: “Well, if you just did ten or more transactions a month, it would be free and you wouldn’t have this problem at all.”

Me: “I have no income aside from my grants and loans for school. Pray tell, what money am I supposed to make these transactions with? That’s beside the point, anyway; the error is in your system and you need to fix it.”

Service Rep: “Our system doesn’t make mistakes! Ugh! You must be reading the paperwork wrong or hallucinating or something. How are you in college if you can’t even understand such a simple concept?!”

Me: “I need you to close my account, right now.”

Service Rep: “Oh, fine! If you’re going to get your panties in a twist, I’ll refund the charge, but you really need to understand that you’re going to be charged and it’s going to be twelve dollars a month. You agreed to do whatever we want when you opened the account.”

Me: “NO. Close my account. Now. I will not be doing business with this company anymore. Close the account, and while you’re at it, give me your name and work extension as well as the name of your supervisor. I’m going to file a complaint.”

Service Rep: “I’ll close the account but I’m not giving you any of that other stuff! Who do you think you are, the Queen of Spain or something? How dare you ask for my personal information?! You’re obviously some kind of scammer. I’ll be reporting you to corporate to make sure you don’t open another account to commit more fraud. Goodbye!” *click*

(I called corporate later with the reference numbers for the transactions and they found the horrible rep that way. I found out she’d been fired immediately after she’d ended the call with me. I still refused to reopen my account.)

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